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 HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS: “THEY’RE SHOOTING BACK”  “An Outrage,” says DoD Chief By Wembly Beemis WASHINGTON, March 29 -- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld accused the Iraqi military of “grave human rights offenses,” for allowing their soldiers to aim rifle and artillery fire at American and British troops. “Here we are, invading their country, and they have the barbarity to return fire using bullets and grenades,” Rumsfeld told Pentagon reporters. “There is no depth to which the Saddam Hussein regime will not sink.” Rumsfeld cited his reading of the Geneva Convention, “which clearly states that Americans are allowed to bomb, shell and shoot ‘wherever and whenever they want.’ I don’t see anywhere that people opposing us can do the same. Warfare means expensive, high-tech missiles and the like, not cheap, deadly, possibly inaccurate rifles.” Moreover, Pentagon spokeswoman Maria Clines noted that while the U.S. is clearly allowed to send special operations troops in civilian clothing into Iraq, “their government cannot allow their soldiers to dress in civilian clothes. That’s a violation of something or other.” Meanwhile Secretary of State Colin Powell was considering bringing the Iraqi government before the International Court of Justice for their return fire tactics. But Powell was reminded that the U.S. doesn’t belong to the court. “In that case,” he said, “forget it.”
IRAQ WAR RE-ENACTORS 
Former Civil War Reenactors Try Desert UniformsRex Codswollop MIDLAND, TX, March 26 – A group of Civil War reenactors are beginning work on a West Texas theme park dedicated to reenacting the Iraq War. The group, known as the Rebel Yellers, has pledged over $10,000 to build Two Flags Over Baghdad by the end of April. They plan to dig replicas of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, as well as small versions of Nasiriyah, Umm Qasr and “a whole lot of other places none of us can pronounce.” Bob Herniata of Amarillo told The Pox that his group were “tired of fighting the damn Battle of Manassas over and over. No matter how many times we win, the South always loses.” But now, “it’s very likely that Texas is gonna win this time.” They’ve already tried dressing up in British desert uniforms and marching across Carl Bomhard’s property in North Midland. But, said Craig Waggoner, “It didn’t seem all that realistic. We need to hire some people to look like Arabs.” Waggoner’s son, Estes, who’s a sophomore at Texas A&M, has tried to recruit Middle Eastern students to, “stand around and get shot. But so far none of ‘em want to do it. In fact, they get kind of mad.” Nevertheless, the Rebel Yellers are certain that Two Flags will be a big draw. “Everybody loves a winner,” said Maurice Gumbel of San Marcos, “and when you pay your $20 and fight your way into Baghdad, you win.” |
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