Feh |
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Superficially OK |
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 -- WILL BE TRIED AS AN ADULT 
Developmentally Challenged U.S. President George W. Bush Pretends To Be A Navy Pilot In Recent Incident By Clattis Pulp, Jr. BRUSSELLS, May 22 -- The newly-formed International Criminal Court today handed down an indictment of U.S. President George W. Bush on war crimes. Specifically, he was charged with lying to the United Nations, indiscriminate bombing of civilians and plunging Iraq into chaos. Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer denied the charges and said, "The President has never been near Iraq, and probably doesn't even know where it is." He conceded that Bush had made a series of inflammatory comments and threats about Iraq, but said Fleischer, "He had no grasp of what he was actually saying. This is a manchild who likes to play aviator." The incoming Chief Prosecutor, Luis Moreno Ocampo, said that the ICC debated for several months before indicting Bush. "We agreed," said Ocampo, "that although Mr. Bush has the body of an adult, he clearly has the mind of an adolescent. But in the end, we decided that if the United States could try actual minors as adults, we could try the President as one." If convicted, Bush could be grounded for up to six months and would not be allowed to run a superpower for "a long, long time," said Ocampo.
AGAIN SCOUR WASHINGTON FOR POW-MIAS 
As They Do Every Memorial Day, Bikers Waste An Entire Weekend Babbling Inanely About POWs. By Melanie Safka WASHINGTON, May 25 – This year, as for the past two decades, thousands of fat old motorcyclists converged on Washington, DC to look for POW-MIAs. The Memorial Day event, called Rolling Thunder, pays honor to the mythical missing despite the fact that no POWs or MIAs have ever been found in Washington, or anywhere else for that matter. “I don’t know why they bother,” said Washington resident Elena Casorda, “I mean they’re more likely to see Jesus than a POW.” Casorda said she’s sick of the noise and thinks the bikers “look like pathetic old jokes.” One such biker, Richard “Lurch” Santini, 55, of Bridgeport Connecticut, explained that it was an act of patriotism and homage. “Some of our brothers have been prisoners in Nam for, oh, 30, 35 years,” he said with tears filling his eyes, “and they’re getting old out there in the jungle. We’re keeping the faith.” But another senescent cyclist, Thor Heggenberger, 61, of Bemidji, Minnesota, was less sure of the event’s purpose. “We’ll never forget,” he said. But when asked, Heggenberger could not recall exactly what it was he wasn’t forgetting. But most didn’t care. Sandra Pemmican, 59, of Columbia, South Carolina told The Pox that she, her old man, Jingles, and their dog, Ripper, had ridden for 12 hours to be in Washington. She said she planned to hold her black POW-MIA flag and ride up and down the streets, “Until America gets the message.” |
  By Gabriela Bocagrande This week we are broadcasting from the EuroZone, darlings, where social preparations are well underway for next week’s meeting of the G-8 in Evian, France (Is everyone aware that Evian spelled backwards is Naďve? I thought not). I personally have had to curtail my own social expenditures significantly since discovering the U.S. dollars in the Eurozone are now roughly equivalent in value to wampum. Americans in general are viewed as the scum of the earth, darlings, and I am not lying to you. Fortunately, the Bush entourage will remedy this. Building on their remarkable success with the President’s dramatic appearance in a flight-suit after a tailhook landing on an aircraft carrier to declare victory over the Ay-rabs last month, they hope to give American popularity a resilient bounce by flying your President in wearing his most impressive warrior-type attire. Rumor at the Geneva airport is that, using focus groups, they are testing a series of combatant costumes on Bush body doubles for political and economic impact. So far, the Ninja-warrior get up has been the most impressive. According to interviews with the airport cleaning crew and security personnel, almost all of whom are current asylum-seekers from Palestine and Eritrea, the Bush look-alike arrived wearing a bandana and eye-patch, waving a saber and kick-boxing down the jetway. Asylum seekers from Timor and Cambodia ran off screaming in terror and some are still being coaxed out from behind the rental car and food court counters. Also tested but apparently not so effective were a SWAT-squad uniform in slimming and understated navy blue, accessorized with elbow-length patent leather gloves and matching boots, a paratrooper outfit with cropped pantaloons, stunning gold epaulettes and a darling little red beret, and – in a more whimsical mood – a Mujadeen ensemble with a ruggedly tailored distressed leather jacket, riding breeches, snuggly shearling boots and a felt pillbox. Jacques Chirac, who has now replaced Mao, Trotsky and Che as the hero of the radical European left, clearly cannot compete with this. He is a nice-looking man, but he has dumpy suits, thinning hair, jowls and Old Europe teeth. Oh, that reminds me: apparently, a series of reciprocal Bush/Chirac mutual snubs are planned. Fun! I would just love a job on the Snub-Planning Committee, wouldn’t you, darling? Les tactiques des actions sont tres compliques Bush insiders confide that W. plans to boycott the Rich-Food-for-Eminent-Persons Reception to be held opening night. Bush is getting a reputation for this: so far, he has snubbed gay Republicans, the Johannesburg Summit, the Kyoto Protocol, the San Francisco AIDS Foundation, the Congressional Black Caucus and Canada. It is getting to be a pattern. Some – I can’t say whom, darlings – suggest that this tactic has nothing to do with politics. In truth, it’s just that after 8 o’clock, your President has often had too many bong hits to be released in public. His handlers prefer to send Laura and the dog. Both are much more simpatico don’t we all agree? Ciao now, GB
© The Washington Pox 2003 |