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By Crime Correspondent

Liz Übel


PITTSBURGH, January 20 -- Sex police raided Republican candidate Rick Santorum’s home today in the suburban town of Penn Hills.

Acting on a tip from neighbors, police accused Santorum of parading around in public spouting inane pieties and generally “acting like he was better than everyone else.”

Santorum has been a source of irritation to residents of this ordinary community outside Pittsburgh for years. “I mean,” said home inspector Dean Wembler, “there are days when I’m afraid to go outside for fear that Santorum will start in on me about birth control or some issue that the American public settled decades ago. I’m sorry he’s in jail again, but some guys never learn.

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By Midwest Correspondent

Roy Spline, Jr.


COLUMBUS, IN, January 27 -- Republican voters, especially members of the Tea Party, are expressing dismay that the candidates for the nomination are insufficiently insane. A sampling of voters here in a heavily Republican district showed how deep their concern is.

“For me,” said RV dealer Donald “Don” Buncecomb, “it’s not enough that our candidates simply tell lies about Obama. I mean, anyone can say he’s a socialist. I want them to say that he’s a Muslim from Indonesia who’s come to take away our way of life.”

And, homeschooling advocate Charisse Twanky voiced particular concern about Mitt Romney. “I heard him the other day saying that Obama is weakening the military and that he, Romney, would restore it to greatness, which is all well and good. But I want to know how many countries whose names begin with “I” he plans to bomb.”

Cleve McAngle said he was “heartened” by Gingrich’s plan to establish moon colonies, “but why didn’t he tell Americans about the colony of Jews that’s already on the moon, controlling the media.”

“I don’t care about the national debt,” said gun enthusiast Sandra Flunger, “I want to hear again and again how Obama took our great nation and reduced it to a hopeless, smoking ruin of sex and big government.”

Republican Voters Not Sure Candidates

Are Talking Crazy Enough

Pudgy ex-assistant professor of geography still dreams of becoming president one day

Romney: I’m not taking the black

vote for granted

By Campaign Correspondent

Gina Lola Berkowitz


ORLANDO, January 29 -- Republican frontrunner Willard “Mitt” Romney told reporters today that although he knows that he esteems and loves African Americans, “I will have to work for every one of their votes.”

Romney has said on many occasions that his Bain Capital has “created over 50 jobs for black people.” He also said that as governor of Massachusetts, he rarely signed laws that made life harder for blacks.

Although Romney admits that to date, he has never actually had a conversation with a black person, he plans to have one “sometime in the future... if I can figure out something to say to them. Sports, possibly.”

Romney also claims that on at least two occasions, he has asked aides to take him to a black neighborhood, but that they either couldn’t find it, or became terribly frightened and turned around.

CARROLLTON, GA, January 25 -- Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich told The West Georgian newspaper that he still harbors dreams of becoming  the nation’s “first pudgy geography president.”

Gingrich was denied tenure and removed from the college here in 1978, yet he told us that he’s certain that he’s one of the nation’s top underrated intellectuals. “Whenever I hear myself speak,” he said, “I’m always astounded by the breadth of my eloquence and opinions.”

His hobby, he says, is collecting wives. “I’m determined to put to lie the rumors that I’m unattractive just because I have a, well, repulsive personality.”

Santorum jailed again

for public piety