By Maria Cortisone

WASHINGTON, JAN. 21 – During an emotional State of the Union Address, an obviously choked-up President George W. Bush told the American public that the country is now suffering from the twin scourges of “terrorism and constipation.” And, he said, “all citizens must take steps to eliminate threats and blockages.”

Moreover, said the President, the country needs to increase its vigilance, and he has “ordered the Attorney General to implement Preparation H.” At the same time, “The nation must break its dependence on substances such as Metamucil, Senokot or Naturalax 2™, because the link between drugs and terrorism is now beyond dispute.”

Instead, Americans must continue to keep an eye on their neighbors and eat “at least five portions of raw, leafy vegetables a day.” But even that is not enough, he said. “We must increase our intake of water to eight glasses each day.” Failure to have regular elimination means, “the terrorists have won.”

Bush conceded that he, too, was once irregular. “I had led a wild younger life, eating nothing but starches and high-fat meats. But the day came when I knew when it was time to step up to the plate and get my necessary helpings of vegetables.”