The Subcommandante On His
Christian Guerilla TV Show, El 700 Club
By Sami Colon
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA, August 22 – From his hidden TV studio deep in the jungles of Virginia Beach, Virginia, Christian guerilla leader Subcommandante Patricio Robertson issued a death threat to his arch-rival Presidente Hugo Chavez of nearby Venzuela. On his popular El 700 Club show, Robertson bellowed, “Breeng me thees head of Hugo Chavez.”
Robertson and Chavez, once guerilla allies in the Sieera Maestra Mountains of Cuba, have long since fallen out, over a woman say insiders. As a result, Robertson has watched in rage as Chavez ascended to the Presidency of Venezuela while the Subcommandante rules only the Christian Broadcasting Network. While Robertson can still command the ear of El Gran Jefe himself, Jorge Boosh, observers see his latest broadside as a weak parody of his former strength.
“In the old days,” said Benicio Chavarria of the Miami Herald, “Robertson and his guerillas would swoop down on the the liberal suburbs of Washington killing, raping and burning. But today, hardly anyone is scared of the old bandito.”
For his part, Presidente Chavez retorted, “You theenk I queever een my boots? No, no. eef I see theese snake Robertson, I weel beat heem like a rented mule.”
Asked for comment, the U.S. State Department said, “He ees, I mean he is, a private citizen…although a very dumb one.”
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UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
STRIKE-BOUND
NORTHWEST
TRIES TWO-FOR-ONE
FLIGHTS
MINNEAPOLIS, August 27 – With its union mechanics on strike, Northwest Airlines has tried to compensate by combining two airplanes in one. “The means,” said Northwest spokesman Garreth Tweetle, “that we only have to service one plane. We put the lousy one on top of the good one and bingo, off we go.”
Picketers at Minneapolis St. Paul International Airport from the Aircraft Mechanics Fraternal Association were dubious. Said 13 year veteran Henrik Chumper, “It’s the craziest idea I’ve ever heard of in the industry. This airline would rather risk 400 lives than lose a dollar.”
But passengers seemed to ignore the obvious risk. “What the hell,” said Jennifer Bustier of nearby Big Lake, “I have a pretty good chance of making it to Detroit and they’re offering double miles. Good enough for me.”
PLYWOOD MANUFACTURERS
BEHIND RECENT
RASH OF HURRICANES
WASHINGTON – Officials at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have found that the plywood manufacturers' trade group, The Engineered Wood Association of Tacoma, Washington has secretly funded the recent increase in hurricanes. NOAA spokesman Hubert Dewlap said, “It’s hard to believe that plywood manufacturers would sacrifice so many lives just to increase sales, but it seems that is exactly what they have done.”
NOAA found that the EWA paid West Africans to build huge fires and fan them out into the Atlantic. The increased heat has generated far more storms than ordinarily occur. “We estimate,” said Dewlap, “that it has more than doubled the number of named hurricanes and increased property damage by at least 100 percent.”
Plywood industry officials have denied the reports, but one industry insider said, “What’s the big deal? The bulletproof vest manufacturers fight gun-control laws, don’t they? We’re just protecting our investment. Don’t be so naïve.”
© The Washington Pox 2005
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