An Angry Thor Shows His Exasperation
With The Bush Administration
By Lupus Blotch
ASGARD, September 23 – Thor, God of Thunder, held a press conference here today at the home of the gods, somewhere above Scandinavia. He reiterated that he, and the rest of the Gods, are “sick and tired of the American refusal to deal with global warming.” They wanted action, and if they didn’t get it, they were preapred to send storm after storm.
Looking powerful, although somewhat tired, Thor, flanked by his powerful parents, Odin and Jord, and his wife Sif, read a short, prepared statement:
“You vould have thought,” he said in Norse accented English, “that after Katrina – whose name is, after all, Norse – the Americans would begin to understand that they cannot ignore global warming any longer. But no. All they talked about is reorganizing their security services. So, I was forced to send another storm right up the same path. And is President Bush now prepared to face the consequences of global warming? No, now they are congratulating themselves that this time they did not abandon their poor people so callously. Vell, good for dem.”
Asked what he wanted Bush to do, Thor said curtly, “Sign the goddam Kyoto Accords for a starter. Then we’ll see about some better weather.”
When one reporter pointed out that even Thor couldn’t send hurricanes in the winter, he replied, “I’m not a one-trick pony, newsboy. I’ve got noreasters, tornadoes and don’t forget the Alberta Clipper. Yes sir, the USA is in for one tough time. Better get out the sandbags.”
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WASHINGTONIA
SENATE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE CONFIRMS J.R.
BUT WHICH ONE?
A confused U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee passed the J.R. Supreme Court nomination onto the full Senate last week. But many Senators were unsure of who it was they voted for.
Senator John Cornyn (R-TX) told reporters that he was proud that Texas native J.R. Ewing of Dallas was on track to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. “I’m always happy when one of our cattle boys gets to rule on things.”
But Ohio Republican Mike DeWine said, “I beg to differ with my colleague, but I’m sure we confirmed Judge John Roberts, not some TV has-been. If I inadvertently voted for J.R. Ewing, I have a lot of explaining to do to people in Ohio.”
New York Democrat Charles Schumer was livid. “I think,” he said, “that the Republican chairman of this committee at least has an obligation to determine which J.R. this is. I’m filing a complaint, with someone.”
Maverick Democrat Herb Kohl of Wisconsin was nonchalant about the mixup. “What do I care,” he asked, “I just flip a coin and vote. Makes me no never mind.”
REPUBLICAN LOBBYIST ABRAMOFF
TRIES TO FLEE COUNTRY WITH
$2 MILLION WORTH OF STEM CELLS
Former high-flying Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff was seized in Los Angeles last week trying to board a flight for Seoul, South Korea. In his luggage was over $2 million worth of medical stem cells. According to FBI sources, Abramoff was going to sell them to Korean researchers.
Congressman Tom Delay (R-TX) defended his former associate by claiming that Abramoff was “the victim of political persecution. I imagine that certain Democrats planted the stem cells in his luggage, just as they tried to do to me.”
Abramoff’s lawyer, Beasley Wooligan, said that the stem cells were “from Jack’s own stash and for his own personal use. In no way is he a dealer.”
© The Washington Pox 2005
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