Angry Bush Threatens To Use U.S. Army
Against God If Poll Numbers Don’t Reverse
By Miles Nervine
SAN ANTONIO, October 13 – Dismayed by sinking poll numbers, an enraged President George W. Bush lashed out at God today, blaming the Almighty for his plight. “This is your fault,” he screamed toward the Heavens, “and you’ll pay for it.”
The President spoke today at Fort Sam Houston before troops of the 166th Fighting Peckerwoods Battalion who were preparing to fly to Iraq. Bush told them, “Don’t expect God to be on your side over there. The bastard’s gone and dumped us.”
Bush went on, “I don’t know what the hell more he wants. He told me to invade Iraq and I did it. Now, look at those evil poll numbers – lower than snake’s ass. Is this the thanks I get? I’m telling you, if God wants me to invade Syria, he can goddam well do it himself. And if this keeps up, I’m ordering the army into heaven. Nobody treats me this way.”
After Bush stormed off the podium, soldiers milled around in shock. “This is not good,” said Specialist 1st Class Calpurnia Kibble of Troy, NY. “Now we’ll have to face the insurgents and a really angry God as well. I wish the President had just kept his mouth shut.”
But one theologian, Father Gumble Palaver of Notre Dame University, said Bush was technically correct. “Ultimately,” he said, “God is responsible for all, and that includes poll numbers. The President could have shown some gratitude, though, for God giving him the last election. Nobody else could have done that one.”
BUSH HOLDS UNSCRIPTED
TELECONFERENCE WITH
TROOPS ON
PLANET ZONTAR
President Bush Waves Goodbye To
Members Of The Zontar Liberty Brigade
By Sal Hepatica
WASHINGTON, October 13 – President Bush today held a wide-ranging unscripted discussion with troops stationed on the planet Zontar. The interplanetary teleconference was also broadcast on Fox News. A transcript of the session revealed this poignant exchange:
BUSH
Hey, Flash, how’s the campaign of suppression and extirpation going?
FLASH GORDON
Just fine, your excellency.
BUSH
Beheaded any insurgents lately, Prince Barin?
PRINCE BARIN
I don’t count the number of enemy dead.
BUSH
Very good…
DR. ZARKOV
Hey, Bush, any chance we’ll ever get off this godforsaken planet?
BUSH
That’s all for now.
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WASHINGTONIA
NO RECORD EXISTS
OF HARRIET MIERS
BEFORE AGE 41
There are no records – electronic or paper – of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers before she appeared in Texas in 1985. No person has even come forward to say that they knew or had even seen Miers before that date. Miers has refused to account for her earlier life, saying only that she “probably” has a college degree from “somewhere.”
According to Dallas city historian, Nissan Z. Phlebes, Harriet Miers simply appeared one day at a City Council meeting and took over a vacant chair. “Everyone thought she had been elected,” said Phlebes, “and she stayed for two terms.”
President Bush admitted that he had no idea of where she came from, but, said the President, “I heard she goes to church in Dallas, and that’s good enough for me.”
“It’s almost impossible,” said Texas private investigator Branson Pustule, “for someone to leave no traces whatsoever. I think it’s possible that she’s a ‘visitor,’ if you get what I mean. They should do some blood tests fast – before she gets on the court.”
SCOOTER LIBBY SAYS HE’LL
GO TO PRISON BEFORE HE
GIVES UP HIS RIDICULOUS NAME
I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, has vowed that he would rather “spend five years in jail” than change his name. Libby has been under intense political pressure to, in the words of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, “change his name to something less absurd.”
Frist told reporters that a special investigator has been looking into Libby’s nomenclature for over two years, “and the guy there still can’t stop laughing. But they will indict him unless he drops the ‘Scooter’ thing. I mean, here he is, founder of the Project for A New American Century, architect of the Iraq invasion and he wants to be known as ‘Scooter’. No wonder they’re after him.”
Libby once revealed to a friend that he cherishes the name Scooter that was given to him by his beloved uncle Jingles and that “he would rather die than be known as ‘Lewis’ or ‘I.’.”
© The Washington Pox 2005
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