President Bush And Two Of His Asshole Buddies
By Gloria Festoon
NEW YORK, November 4 – The United Nations Security Council today released a lengthy report entitled, “Run By Assholes: The Government of the United States.” In it UN investigators detail more than 300 instances of “vile, stupid, inane and dangerous behavior by the rulers of America.”
The report’s chief author, Norwegian Dagmar Ptarmigan, noted, “we have run into many kinds of bad governments before – some more murderous than this one – but never have we seen so many pompous, platitudinous, self-serving, out-and-out assholes running a modern industrial state.”
President George W. Bush came in for special criticism, as a man who “can’t open his mouth without sounding like, and then acting like, a monstrous asshole.” But Bush was certainly not the only one so identified. Most members of the Bush cabinet, over half of Congress, and increasing number of judges and much of the media were designated Major Assholes.
But Ptarmigan told reporters that, “Such a government of assholes could not exist if it did not have the support of most of the ruling class and enough asshole voters to keep them in power. It’s a shame and a disgrace, but that’s how it is right now.”
BUSH ORDERS ARMY
TO PERFORM "NATIONWIDE
SECURITY-RELATED
DENTAL PROCEDURES"
By Ponzi Dremel, Jr.
WASHINGTON, October 30 – President Bush today ordered that the U.S. Army prepared to deliver “mandatory, widespread dental work and oral hygiene in preparation for natural disasters.” Bush told reporters that, “Only the military has the organization, the discipline and the sharp tools to deliver this critical public service.”
Bush noted that as Commander-In-Chief, he was could also be installed as Dentist-In-Chief, and he would immediately assume that role. “I know the importance of good oral care,” he said, “and I am ordering the major services to include dental instruction in basic training for all recruits.”
“Dentistry,” said Bush, “is a lot like combat: a lot of waiting and a little terror. But only combat-hardened veterans can skillfully endure the crying, squirming and whimpering that many dental patients exhibit. It’s no practice for weak constitutions.”
In closing, Bush told the nation, “You must submit to military dentistry. Failure to do so means that the terrorists, and their bacteria allies, will have already won.”
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AROUND THE USA
BUSH NAMES PLAYFUL,
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
ITALO-AMERICAN
TO HIGH COURT
Stung by the public rejection of dour, lemon-sucking Harriet Miers, President George W. Bush adroitly changed course and named “the wackiest guy in the federal Judiciary,” Samuel “Chico” Alito, to the Supreme Court. Reaction was immediate and positive.
“Whatta guy,” chortled Senator Charles “Chuck” Schumer (D-NY), “he makes you laugh while he’s sending federal law back to the Dark Ages. I’m all for him.”
Schumer’s colleague John Cornyn (R-TX) cautioned the public not to compare Alito to the bench’s other Italo-American, Justice Antonin Scalia. “Tony’s like a turd in a punchbowl compared to Chico. This guy’s a scream. There’s no comparison…except for the extreme right-wing, pro-business, woman-hating, anti-immigrant rulings.”
Alito’s backers told reporters to show up early at the Judiciary Committee hearings. “You gotta be there,” said White House aide Monte Schwemp, “or you’ll miss it when he pretends to play the piano on the hearing table. It’s too much.”
The only comment Alito made was to say, “Hey, atsa funny joke, eh boss?”
TRENT LOTT DENOUNCES
ROSA PARKS’
“CRIMINAL BACKGROUND”
Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) told reporters that he had “had just enough of this sanctification of this Parks woman. She has a criminal record as long as my arm.”
Lott, a longtime and devoted foe of racial justice, told reporters that he was outraged and discouraged that many of his colleagues were “browbeaten and intimidated by political correctness into paying homage to this disreputable woman who clearly had no respect for private property or Southern conventions.”
With that, Lott displayed a photograph or Rosa Parks at the time of her arrest in Montgomery, alabama in 1955. “Don’t take my word for it,” he said, “here’s proof that she was little more than a common criminal.”
© The Washington Pox 2005
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