 |
BUSH DEVISES "SUREFIRE" PLAN TO WIN IRAQ WAR |
 Bush Plan Calls For Five-Man Offensive Line And Two Wideouts By Golinda Swunt WASHINGTON, December 1 – With Washington Redskins Coach Joe Gibbs at his side, President George W. Bush offered the nation a "surefire" plan to win the Iraq War. Bush told a press conference in the White House Rose Garden that it couldn't lose because "Coach Gibbs brought in both his offensive and defensive coaching staff." Bush explained that a war is "almost exactly like a football game, except in this case there's no time limit. Also no referees, no rules, no season tickets, no free agent trades. We might be getting corporate boxes, though. Anyway, it's like a football game, believe me." Bush told reporters that the new goal of the Iraq War is to "kick Zarqawi's head between the uprights." He said that he had given the US military commanders in Iraq a new game plan, that "stresses a five-man offensive line, two ‘really speedy’ wide receivers and a lot of substitutions." The one thing he said the US lacked that the enemy did not was "a suicide squad." Reporters asked Gibbs how experience in the NFL qualified him to formulate complex military-political strategy. "You forget," he said, "that I not only coached big league football, but I've fielded my own NASCAR team for years. So I know something about armored vehicles." The Pox asked Bush if footbal was the key, why did he go with the Redskins, who've had one the worst NFL records over the last 10 years. "Well," he said, "they're here. And you go with the team you have, not the one in Indianapolis."
NANCY PELOSI
|
NEW YORK – All three major Jewish denominations agreed today that they would add Christmas to the list of Jewish holidays. Said conservative rabbi Stephen Podgorny of Skokie, Illinois, “We’ve been fighting this thing for decades, and I say to hell with it. What’s a few presents and a tree with lights? Go, enjoy the holiday.”
Reform rabbi Susan Chertok of Newton, Massachusetts, who attended the Conference on the Holidays in New York said she had voted for Christmas, but with some reservations. “I think it may weaken the religion, but all my congregants said they were tired of looking at their kids’ sad, longing eyes every December. So, let’s try it.”
Even many of the Orthodox representatives voted for Christmas. “I say, why not Christmas?” said rabbi Yeshua Mandelbaum of Los Angeles, “at this point, Christmas is no more religious than the Fourth of July. Besides, a little color around the house couldn’t hurt.”
ON FOURTH DWI 
SARASOTA, FLORIDA, November 27 – Sarasota police today charged the Dalai Lama with driving under the influence and having an open bottle in the car. The Tibetan spiritual leader was in town to kick off the Lama-Rama Mahayana Golf Classic, which raises money for aged, spaced-out hippies. Sarasota County Prosecutor Pratt Flonase said that this is the fourth time the spiritual leader has been picked up on a DWI. “We’re getting a little tired of this,” said Flonase, “Every time one of our guys pulls him over the Lama flashes his Nobel Prize and tells them to ‘bugger off.’ Then, in court his lawyers always claim that he wasn’t drunk, he was on a higher spiritual plane. I wish he’d get on that plane and fly home.” Arresting officer Sgt. Elrod Dilweed told The Pox, “He’s not a bad guy, but he sure loves his fermented yak’s milk. I keep telling him, ‘Holy dude, it’s time for rehab,’ but he never listens.”
© The Washington Pox 2005 Submit your e-mail address to be added to The Washington Pox mailing list and receive new issue alert e-mails. Just send an e-mail to The Editor and put Mailing List in the Subject field.
E-Mail the Editor with comments or questions and you might get a reply.
Links To Other Superior Websites
|
