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HOLOCAUST OCCURRED, BUT SEES NO REASON NOT TO HAVE ONE NOW |
 President Ahmadinejad Urges Nation To “Think Holocaustically” By Soltine Craquére TEHERAN, December 9 – Iran’s President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, reiterated his belief today, that the World War II massacres of the Jews never happened. “If such a thing happened,” he asked, “where are the photographs, the evidence, the sworn testimony? These things don’t exist, as we all know.” But this denial, he said, should not be taken as a negative. “I am glad that this Holocaust, as they call it, did not happen,” he said, “because that gives us a chance to commit one – and as soon as we can.” He said that his planned Holocaust, as opposed to the Nazi one which never happened, would be “far superior, given that we are on the verge of possessing nuclear...oops, I mean we don’t have nor do we want nuclear weapons. Maybe we’ll have to make do with poison gas or something.” Ahmadinejad conceded that a Holocaust would be a major expense for a nation with major social and economic problems. But, he noted, “that didn’t stop the Germans...who never did such a thing.” “Anyway,” he urged followers, “let’s think about doing something that never happened before. And then we can deny we did it.”
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CRAWFORD, TX, December – President George W. Bush arrived at his Crawford, Texas ranch yesterday to begin his Christmas vacation. He told reporters that he was looking forward to “cutting brush with my shirt off, palling around with my old buddy Lance, and then going to see that new cowboy movie.”
Bush said that he’s always been a big fan of cowboy movies. “My favorite,” he said, “was Lonesome Cowboys by that Warhol guy. But I hear this one is even better. I’ve got a big urging to see it.”
He said he told Laura she could take the night off. “I’m going with Lance,” he said, “she understands that a guy sometimes has to spend some time with just men. In fact, me and Lance are thinking of taking off for a few days in Key West. After we’ve seen the movie, of course.”
COMPLAINING ABOUT LAST EARTHQUAKE, SAYS AID WORKER 
MUZAFFARABAD, PAKISTAN, December 16 – It’s been more than two months since the earthquake struck this region, and one aid worker said that residents “just won’t shut up about it. All they do is complain, complain, complain.” “I don’t understand it,” said Malthus McTwinge of the Dallas-based Help The Heathens Project. “I mean, this thing happened in October and they’re still into it. I keep telling them to get over it, you won’t get your relatives back, but now they tell me they’re cold and hungry. For Pete’s sake, get a life, guys.” McTwinge said that he’s pointed out that New Orleans was destroyed by a hurricane, “and they’re not complaining about it, are they? But these people are so self-centered. I’ve got to think about the next big disaster, not one that happened weeks ago. We can’t get money for chronic problems like freezing and disease, we need disasters, dammit.”
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