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DC's Most Unbalanced News
♠ Monday, February 6 2006 ♠ Washington, D.C.♠


JESUS APPEARS AT SUPERBOWL
PRAYING FOR SEAHAWKS VICTORY –
BUT TO NO AVAIL

 

Jesus Warns Players Against Face Mask Violations

By Trajan Hopsack

DETROIT, February 5 – Longtime Seattle Seahawks fan, and personal savior to billions, Jesus Christ appeared as a faint apparition at Ford Field late today, startling the crowd of some 65,000 out of their usual boozy pandemonium. Some fell to their knees while others just stared open-mouthed.

As is his custom, Jesus spoke silently, but in a language all could understand. “I’m here today,” he said, “to urge both sides to follow the rules and play clean. No clipping, no head shots and above all, no face mask violations.” Players shook their heads in agreement.

“But,” said the Son of God, “I’m also here to pray for a Seahawks victory. Not a blowout necessarily, but a good solid victory. After all, they’ve never won the Superbowl, unlike some multiple winners I could name.” At that, Steelers Coach Bill Cowher visibly reddened.

“I would stay,” said Jesus, “but after that Janet Jackson thing, I think I better not. Just kidding, it’s not like I’ve never seen any of you naked before. I can see everything.

"But I can’t control the future, and that’s why I’m asking the Seahawks and Coach Holmgren to do their level best and win one for the Savior. And Shaun, run like the devil...just a figure of speech of course.”

With that, the massive and gauzy apparition shook his finger in warning at line judge Mark Perlman and dissipated into the air.

After a short stunned silence, the 1200-strong Oneonta, New York Fat Baptist Choir came out and sang God Bless America.

Unfortunately for Jesus and Seattle fans, the Steelers powered to a 21-10 victory.

 

 

BUSH STUMBLES BADLY DURING
STATES OF THE UNION ADDRESS

The President Could Only Name Six
Of The 50 States Of The Union

By Baubelle Theodolite

WASHINGTON, January 31 – President Bush faltered tonight during his annual States Of The Union Address. Challenged by Democrats to name all 50 states, Bush managed to name only six. He later apologized, saying he had received “faulty intelligence” on the subject.

Bush began his address before both houses of Congress by recognizing several families in the audience who had relatives in Iraq. None, he admitted were in the military, but all of them were working for “really great friends of mine.”

Then he launched into the heart of his address, a recitiation of the states, and began well, naming Texas, Oklahoma and Virginia. He then paused and recalled Alabama, where he either had or had not done his military service, and Connecticut where he thought he had gone to college. After a longer pause, he named California and then added, “Canada, but not the French part”

Straining, Bush named Kennebunkport, Scotland, the Hoosierdome, Anaheim and Israel, finally blurting out, “It’s not France, that’s for sure.” He then gave up and moved on to reminiscing about 9-11, and urging a continued presence in Iraq.

Later, White House spokespeople said that it really didn’t matter, since Bush “wasn’t up for re-election anyway.” Democrats said that they were disappointed, having given odds that he could name at least 10 and suffering huge losses in Las Vegas as a result.


INTERNATIONAL CRISES

PAKISTAN CREATES
WORLD’S FIRST
24/7 ANGRY MOB

KARACHI, February 1 – Tired of organizing a new angry mob for every provocation, the government of Pakistant ordered the creation of a standing group, called Permanent Outrage. “Up until now,” said Interior Minister Hassan Al Naqib, “we have had to organize a new mob nearly every week – sometimes every other day. We believe this innovation will save time and resources.”

Al Naqib admitted that a permanent angry mob called for some unusual recruiting techniques. “We’ve had to offer time-and-a-half for holidays,” he said, “and of course no one really wants to work the midnight to eight shift. But we threw in a few perks and we’re rolling.”

Permanent Outrage operates at the corner of M.T. Khan and Maripur Roads and has quickly become a local tourist attraction. “I took the whole family to see the angry mob,” said Rawalpindi grocer Manzoor Ahmed, “and we got really angry, too. It was a thrill.”

But some of the angry mobbers expressed job dissatisfaction. “It gets awfully hot out here in the afternoon,” said Ahmed Siddiqui, “and it’s hard to stay angry all the time. Still, it beats hauling nightsoil.” Asked what his sign "Carash To America" meant, Siddiqui answered, "I haven't got a clue. I just work here."

Another mobber, who gave his name only as Ali, said that he thought the mob would intimidate the Western powers. “They’ll see that we can stay angry longer than they can,” he said, “and then they’ll cave...I hope.”

 

DANISH NEWSPAPER PUBLISHES
"EARLIEST-KNOWN" PHOTO
OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD,
SETTING OFF
WIDESPREAD RIOTING


Prophet Muhammad At Around Age 22,
According to Archaeologist

COPENHAGEN, February 1 – Danish daily Jyllands-Posten published a recently unearthed picture that archaeologist Hans-Christian Jürgensen claims is “the earliest known photo of the prophet Muhammad, taken just days after his graduation from law school.”

Jyllands-Posten editor-in-chief Carsten Juste said he was dubious that the photo was genuine, but agreed to publish it, “to encourage debate on the subject.” When the Middle-East erupted in rioting and several Danish missions and embassies were burnt, Juste said, “Who knew they’d be so sensitive over an old picture? Maybe we made a mistake.”

Archaeologist Jürgensen said that the massive destruction and inflamed passions were too bad, but that this was just the beginning. “I’ve got a line on a copy of Muhammad’s high school yearbook. Wait till the world sees that photo.”

 

 

© The Washington Pox 2005

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