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CHENEY’S VIOLENT PAST |
 Artist’s Approximation of the Critical Moment By Indolencia Puzzo HOUSTON, February 18 – More than one week after Vice President Richard Cheney’s notorious shooting incident, the truth is beginning to come out. Members of the South Texas safari have spoken to The Pox on the condition of anonymity, and it appears that this was no accidental shot. Until now, the White House has maintained that it was an innocent error. “The Vice President was drunk and mistook the man for a covey of quail,” said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “that’s all there is to it.” But others are questioning that claim. "I saw Dick demand that Harry Whittington run into the bush and flush out the birds," said a member of the hunting party. “When the guy refused, Cheney told him to dance and started firing at his feet. I guess one of the shots missed.” Another said it was worse than that. “After the shot, Cheney immediately ran to Whittington and began rifling through his pockets,” said one woman, “and he was about to scalp the man when some of us restrained him.” A Violent Past This is not the first time that Cheney's violent streak put him in trouble. At the age of 10, he invaded Alberta, Canada in an attempt to seize the oil fields. And in 1958, he killed two men in a fight in Dodge City over a dance hall girl named Luella. 
After a stretch in Lansing Prison, Cheney escaped to Maine, where he worked for the rich and powerful Bush family – first as a gamekeeper, and then as a paid assassin in the Middle East. In time, the scowly killer rose to become the most powerful Vice President in U.S. history. It’s unlikely that Cheney will ever face justice, and he has instructed his Secret Service guards to “shoot to kill” if any process servers come within ten feet of him. But according to a onetime friend of his, “Dick Cheney can’t keep running from his dark and malevolent side forever.”
 DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY ISSUES ALERT
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Top U.S Olympic ice dancing team, Skrootna and Bargeen, performed a perfect routine in Torino last night, but were disqualified for wearing cramponns instead of skates. Said Ms. Bargeen, “Who made them the judge of everything?”
Although the U.S. Nordic team has rarely done well in winter Olympic events, the U.S. NordicTrack stationary ski exercise team took the first two places this year at the Torino Hilton Fitness Room and Spa. “See,” said Tracker Dawn Stipple, “all that practice was just practice for this practice.”
Longtime American women’s curling ace, McKenzie Droshnik, said that her daily curler recharge is all she needs to put in eight hours with the broom. “It’s better than drugs,” she said in her dressing room, “I feel it going through my body like a lightning bolt.
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