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TO DEMOLITION DERBY FILM |
 A Tender Moment In Megabuck Mountain By Jürk Shpilkis Hollywood, March 5 – When the votes for best film of 2005 were counted, the much-ballyhooed male love Western, Megabuck Mountain, fell to the multiracial-multicar-pileup movie, Smash. It marked the end of a strange season for Hollywood, leading Oscar-night MC Jon Stewish to quip, “Well, I guess they won’t be making any of those message movies anymore.” Megabuck Mountain, an art-house film about the love between a Yale-educated Texan neer-do-well and an overweight, overage Saudi prince won over the critics, but moviegoers initally stayed away in droves. “Who would believe that these two guys could get together,” asked one Dallas viewer, “much less spend months together drilling for oil in the wilderness?” But by February, it had gained an audience among Saudi nationals, Peeping Toms and petrogeologists. “Yes, they’re gay,” said one, “but they’re real manly, too.” 
At the same time, audiences were flocking to see Smash, the story of, according to its director, Emil Quadroon, “some over-revvin’, miscegenatin’, knuckle-dustin’, high-caliber shootouts...with a real deep message, too.” In the end, of course, only one could win, and Smash took home the statuette. Said star Sandra Buttock, “We won because this was the best, most racially inclusive pileup movie since The Blues Brothers.” Some other movies won some other prizes, too.
MEL GIBSON TO DIRECT, |
Flato, TX, February 28 – President Bush today denied that the widespread and deadly violence between ethnic groups in Iraq constituted civil war. He told the Brotherhood of Grateful Beneficiaries of Slavery, a Texas civic organization, that “there’s only one Civil War and it sure as heck isn’t in Iraq.”
“Civil War,” said Bush, “or more correctly, War Between The States, happens only when spunky slave-owning Southerners stand up to the Northern capitalists and abolitionists and secede from the Union. Then, the courageous Rebels fight against the overwhelming force of the Yankees and are finally forced to renounce slavery...for a few years until they gain control of the federal government. Now, that’s a Civil War.”
The President characterized the current endless carnage in Iraq as “more of a dust-up, you know, like when the Methodists and the Lutherans have a fuss over biblical doctrine and set off a few car bombs.”
Bush then thanked the pro-slavery crowd for their votes and left for the Bush family home in Kennebunkport, Maine.
 South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds
PIERRE, SD, March 6 – The state of South Dakota, with more prairie dogs than people on its 77,000 square miles, today boosted its flagging population by making the unborn “full citizens, with the right to vote and own property.” Residents had been fleeing the harsh Dakota climate ever since the Dust Bowl of the 1930s, but in recent years the state has resorted to offering out-of-staters “40 acres and a doublewide” to no avail. This latest move will, according to Governor Mike Rounds, “at least keep us even with 2005.” Rounds admitted that unborn citizens don’t pay their share of the tax burden, but, he said, “they don’t ask for much in govenrment services, either...and they never complain.”
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