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OUT OF IRAQ WAR DEBACLE IS SUICIDE |
President Disembowels Himself In By Phylene Rotifer WASHINGTON, March 21 – Sensing that the Iraq War is all but lost, and having watched his esteem plummet in the eyes of his citizens, President George W. Bush decided this morning to end his life. He chose to use the ancient Japanese tradition of seppuku, popularly known in the West as hara-kiri. At 11 this morning, Bush bade goodbye to his close advisers, hugged his mentor Richard Cheney, and knelt before a makeshift altar in the Oval Office. Then, he drew a short sword and plunged it into his exposed belly. He was then beheaded by Karl Rove. Bush left behind a short message to the Joint Chiefs of Staff apologizing for the death and destruction he forced upon the military, and an angry note damning “the day I ever met a neo-conservative – whatever the hell they are.” And, he left a note to the American people: “I’m sorry for my blind pride and arrogance that led America into a hopeless swamp of injury, death and impoverishment. I hope to atone for it with my suicide. Try to remember me as a simple man gone wrong, not the stupid and incoherent graduate of Yale and Harvard who never should have been president in the first place.”
GENERAL MOTORS MURDERS 4500 WORKERS |
U.S. Marine Corps Commandant Michael W. Hagee today agreed that the November 2005 massacre of civilians in the Iraqi town of Haditha was “a terrible misjudgment.” Hagee said that Marine policy forbids the shooting of unarmed civilians at point-blank range. “There’s no excuse for that,” said Hagee, “when the Corps has so many other death-dealing options open to them.”
Standing before a life-size display of exploding ordnance, Hagee said that Marines should have “used artillery, or even called in airstrikes. We want them to do it by the book.” He pointed out that blowing up civilians always allows the military to claim that it was a mistake, and that so far no one has been punished for blowing Iraqis to smithereens, whether they had anything to do with the enemy or not. “Those Marines in Haditha,” he said, “should have known that there’s about zero deniability when you shoot civilians in the head from across the room – especially when some Time reporter finds out about it.”
Hagee promised that the perpetrators, if convicted, would be denied email privileges for “at least six weeks.”
TEHERAN, March 19 – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said today that his country has been vilified and misunderstood by the West. The country’s controversial nuclear energy program, which many believe is aimed at producing a nuclear weapon, was, he said, for peaceful uses only. “In fact,” he said, “our only goal is to produce non-polluting pizza ovens.” He denied that the program was in any way connected with nuclear weapons. “What,” he asked, “would we do with a nuclear bomb? We have no enemies.” On the other hand, the president said that Iran had big problems with pizza pollution. He pointed out that Teheran’s citizens, denied many pleasures by the rigid Islamic government, tend to celebrate events with pizza – lots of it. “Our young people are fanatic pizza consumers,” he said, “and the constantly burning pizza ovens produces a haze which is causing severe respiratory problems. That’s why we need nuclear pizza ovens – clean-burning, plutonium-fired ovens.” He proudly showed off a prototype backyard nuclear pizza oven, even ordering his favorite kind of pizza: eggplant parmigiana. Munching happily, Ahmadinejad said he looked forward to the day when he could, he said, “drop one of these ovens on Tel Aviv...just kidding.”
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