Bush Spent The Day Chortling
And Reciting Zarqawi Doggerel
By Shla'meel Williamstein
WASHINGTON, June 7 – An exultant President George W. Bush called an early press conference today on the White House lawn to strut, preen, giggle and rhyme over the bombing death of America’s number one enemy in Iraq Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
Bush left the White House as loudspeakers boomed “We Are The Champions.” He did two cartwheels before coming to rest behind the microphones.
He drummed on the podium as his wife Laura and Press Secretary Tony Snow intoned over and over, “Wowie, zowie, we got Zarqawi.” Then, Bush broke into rap:
You thought I lost
But I’m the boss
I smoke no crack
It sure ain’t wack
We got the bad guy
In Iraq
He won’t be shootin’
He won’t be lootin’
He won’t behead
Cause now he’s dead
When he finished he danced a sailor’s hornpipe with Snow and did a standing back flip.
Bush told assembled reporters, “It’s been a long, hard fight, but after killing about, oh, 15,000 civilians, it’s gratifying to get the right guy. I think we’ll stay in Iraq for a long, long time. It’s fun.”
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WORLD CUP NEWS
BRITISH SOCCER FANS
SACK AND LOOT BERLIN,
FIREBOMB DRESDEN
Dresden, As It Appeared After Soccer
Hooligans Commandeered F-16s
BERLIN, June 11 – The World Cup was in jeopardy as thousands of angry British soccer fans overwhelmed police in the German capital today, turning major parts of the city into war zones as they broke windows, set cars on fire, stole electronics and jewelry, assaulted citizens and took over major government buildings.
At the same time, hundreds of armed British fans broke into the U.S. Air Base at Ramstein, Germany, stole several F-16s and dropped tons of incendiary bombs over Dresden, igniting the heart of the city and killing thousands.
The reason for the outbreak of violence was unclear, but several rampaging fans offered their explanations. “I think it was because the Germans insisted on speaking foreign languages,” said Mick Grimspeckle of Nether Wallop. “They wouldn’t show us no respect. They kept babbling away as if they won the war.”
But Mick Thudnuck of Bishops Itchington had another explanation. “A couple of these Nazi bastards told my mate Mick that he couldn’t just vomit anywhere he wanted,” he said angrily.
But most said there was no reason for the mayhem. “It’s just what we do,” said Mick Codswallop of Buttock Point, “we’re football holligans, after all.”
Britain immediately promised war reparations.
TOGO-KOREA RIVALRY GOES
BACK AT LEAST TWO WEEKS
Korean Fans Like These Are Determined
To Trounce Togo “Whatever That Is”
SEOUL, June 8 – Thousands of South Korean soccer fans assembled at Kimpo International Airport to cheer on the national team in their upcoming match against Togo June 13. Hundreds more boarded planes for Frankfurt to watch the highly-publicized game.
The problem, said self-proclaimed “Super Fan,” Lee Eul-yong, is that “until two weeks ago, nobody knew where Togo was. Even today, I have no idea what they look like, what language they speak or how many there are.” Nevertheless, he added, “we must fight fiercely because of our deep rivaly with Togo.”
Lee’s friend, Jong Hak-yong, said that “a loss to Togo would be a stain on the national honor. For more than a week, they have been our arch-enemies. Their very existence, wherever it is, is a threat to our pride. We must outscore them.”
Thousands of Korean have threatened to boycott Togoese products if the African team wins the match.
© The Washington Pox 2005
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