War Clouds Gathering |
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No Laughing Matter |
SPECIAL MIDDLE EAST ISSUE
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 TEL AVIV RESTAURANT  Sharon Moments Before Explosion By Lumlik Shmizoon Sharon had been at Le Canard’s all-you-can-eat brunch since 11 am and, according to restaurant employees, he had been eating continuously since he arrived. “Sharon probably ate more than half the food in the place,” said maitre’d Shlomo Rubenshtein, “He must have made a dozen trips, just to the salad bar.” According to his Likud allies, the 350-pound Sharon has as great an appetite for food as he does for West Bank land. “I mean, the man is a powerhouse in Israeli political eating circles,” said Yitzhak Cohen, Deputy Minister of Finance. “I’ve seen him put away six, eight pizzas while ordering a rocket strike on PA headquarters.” Hospital spokeswoman Raya Greenblatt said that although Sharon’s distended abdomen had indeed exploded, surgeons had quickly pieced him back together. “The Prime Minister awoke from anesthesia and immediately began asking for take-out,” said Greenblatt.
 Yassine and Saruman have Never Been Seen Together By Chlorine Halogen RAMALLAH, JAN. 10 – The Palestinian Authority revealed today that Hamas leader Sheik Ahmed Yassine is none other than Saruman the White Wizard. Authority press chief Nabil Abu Rudaina told reporters that the Authority had received the information from an unnamed source in Middle Earth. On background, another Palestinian official admitted that the source was indeed Gandalf the Grey. Rudaina said that the unmasking of Yassine, “shows why Hamas is so intransigent about the peace process. The movement is led by a corrupt wizard whose only goal is death and destruction.” A Hamas spokesman in Gaza City denied the report and said that Yassine was a devout follower of Islam and that “the sheik has never even been to the Orthanc Tower in Isengard…whatever that is.” An Israeli spokesman said that it was clear from the beginning that Yassine “and his army of Orcs took their orders from Mount Doom.” Moreover, the Middle East would never be at peace until “the Lord of Mordor was destroyed and the forces of light hold sway.” When asked if the Likud government represented the forces of light, he said, “I’ll have to get back to you on that.” Photo credits, clockwise from top left: Monty Python; Library of Congress; New Line Cinema; CNN |
U.N. INSPECTORS FIND IRAQI WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTIONIn his report, Blix noted that he and three other inspectors drank the product they found at Muthanna State Establishment (MSE), Iraq's primary chemical weapons facility. The result, he said, “We got massive destructed. I mean, we were so baked we spent six hours just staring at palm trees. That was very heavy stuff.” U.S. Defense Department spokesman Bart Kleberg said that the allegations, if true, “constitute a material breach. But before we decide that, Secretary Rumsfeld would like to try a dose or two.”
JESUS CHRIST FLEES BETHLEHEM -- SEEKS ASYLUM IN FRANCE PARIS, JAN. 12 – Jesus Christ, King of the Jews, Savior and Son of God (above), fled his longtime home in Bethlehem, Palestine after fighting between Israelis and Palestinians became too intense. “I’m divine and all that,” said Jesus, interviewed two days ago at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, “but I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even perform miracles.” Jesus, who holds dual Israeli/Palestinian citizenship, has asked for asylum in France. While officials consider his request, Mr. Christ has been directed to one of the refugee centers on the outskirts of Rouen. Mr. Christ phoned the Washington Pox from the camp and said that conditions were disappointing. “I figured if I had to leave the Holy Land, at least I could operate out of an atelier in the Marais. But let me tell you,” he said, “this is definitely not Paris.” Jesus said that his fellow Middle Eastern and North African refugees, “make a goddam racket day and night,” although, he conceded, “at least I’m not dodging IDF tracer bullets or trying to argue with Al Aqsa-type thugs.”
© The Washington Pox 2002 |