Much Too Cold |
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All That Fits |
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EXTRA! STATE OF THE UNION REPORT
  Members of the Senate Diversity Committee Were Dumfounded To Hear They Have No Black Colleagues By Bob Woodwind WASHINGTON, JAN. 23 – Officials at the General Accounting Office, the investigative arm of Congress, has concluded that the United States possesses no black senators whatsoever. “For the past two years,” said Comptroller General David M. Walker, “our agents have scoured the United States looking for any sign of an African American senator. But we have found no sign of one whatsoever.” The GAO had undertaken the investigation in the year 2000 at the behest of Congressman Charles Rangel of New York. Rangel had said, “I can’t believe that in this day and age, not one member of the Senate represents the African American community. How can that be?” Senate leaders at the time assured Rangel that there were “several” black senators, but that “we just can’t seem to locate them at this point in time.” Investigators began the search in the Capitol Building itself where they had received a tip from a custodian who said, “there was one here at one point, a woman I think, but I haven’t seen her in some time.” Then agents fanned out across the country in hopes that someone, somewhere had spotted a black senator. But all the leads petered out, and after two years and $8 million investigators were left shaking their heads in amazement. “It doesn’t seem possible,” said eight-year veteran Harold Pincus, “I mean blacks are almost 13 percent of population. That would mean there should be around 13 black senators. OK, 10 even nine. But none?” Congress refused to re-authorize the search and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said that perhaps in time, “One or more may show up.”
"EARTH-FRIENDLY" SUV  EPA Administrator Christie Todd Whitman (above) Rides in Ford's Rainforest 6000 Eco-Van WASHINGTON, January 23 – The Environmental Protection Agency today presented Ford Motor with its “Excellence in Packaging” award. The automotive giant won over Bush EPA officials with its new 65 mpg “Rainforest” Eco-Van that, according to Ford Chairman and Chief Executive Office William Clay Ford, Jr., “Leaves the air cleaner than when it went in.” The Agency had planned to test Ford’s claims, but said EPA chief Whitman, “If Ford says it’s true then that’s good enough for us.” Photo credits, Library of Congress, and God knows where |
LIEBERMAN SHOCKER: "I'M NOT REALLY JEWISH" An Undated Photo of Joe Bob LeeBee, now known as Senator Joseph Lieberman WASHINGTON, JAN 22 – At a press conference today, Senator Joseph Lieberman, tearfully admitted that he’s been living a lie for more than 20 years. “I’m not really Jewish,” he said, “I just changed my name for professional reasons.” Rumors have circulated for several weeks, ever since the The Roanoke Times published reports coming out of the small Blue Ridge Mountain town of Head Cheese Hollow. There, more than a dozen people claimed that the man now known as Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut was once their neighbor, Joe Bob Leebee. Onetime neighbor Roland Crumbles said that Leebee, who had been brought up Church of God, kept hearing about how the Jews owned the media, the banks, even the world. “So one day he said, ‘Well, you can’t beat ‘em, that’s for sure, so I’m gonna join the Jews.” According to garage owner W.B. “Breezy” Pettis, “Sometime in the late 60s, there he was with sidecurls and a Bible written backwards. Some folks started calling him Jew Bob Leebee, behind his back.” Within a year, he disappeared with his wife Luzanne (now named Hadassah) and headed north and that was the last they heard of him until Lieberman was chosen Democratic Vice Presidential candidate in 2000. Some Head Cheesers recognized their old neighbor, but somehow the story didn’t come out until recently. Now it appears that Lieberman has not been the observant orthodox, moralistic Jew he has presented to the media. According to one present-day neighbor, on most Saturdays--the Jewish sabbath--Lieberman can be found in his basement watching NASCAR on his projection TV. According to political analysts, it’s not clear whether Lieberman’s revelations will hurt or help him. “Just maybe,” said one, “he picked up a few million redneck votes. We’ll have to see.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |