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 RELUCTANTLY CALLS FOR PEACE  By Maria Cortisone NEW YORK, JAN. 29 – America’s progressive community was shocked today when a coalition of peace groups came out against the war. Katrina vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation, a left-wing weekly, said that such a move was unprecedented. “In the last 25 years, the peace movement has always been squarely behind the war machine,” she said, “this marks a major change in direction.” Insiders said that the decision to stand against war was not taken lightly. “Over the last few months,” activist Bonnie Furk told The Pox, “representatives of the major peace groups have debated long into the night. The traditionalists wanted to hold the line and support the administration, but a coalition of younger people said it was time to reconsider and oppose the war…if only this once.” “We had been supporting war for so long,” said Mark Pingold of the Vermont Front for Peace and Justice, “that we couldn’t remember why. But now, we’re moving in a new, bold direction.” When asked what his group intended to do to oppose the war, Pingold said, “Gee, I don’t know. We haven’t thought that far ahead. Maybe go on a march or something.” Defense Department spokeswoman Ellen Stuka lamented the change. “We’ve always depended on the left wing peace movement to support our bloody, imperialist wars,” she said, “but I guess that’s over.” Stuka said that the government had no intention of canceling the next war, “no matter what our fair-weather friends do.”
AS BUSH CALLS UP ELITE ALABAMA AIR NATIONAL GUARD  By Chlorine Halogen MONTGOMERY, FEB. 1 – President George W. Bush turned today to his favorite military unit, the Alabama Air National Guard wing that he signed up for, and would have served in, had he not found a political campaign to work on instead. The 187th Fighter Wing, “The Strafin’ Fools,” has long been known as the home of some of the sharpest pilots in the business. It’s also been a convenient cover for CIA missions to Cuba, Nicaragua and other annoying countries. And today the men and women are preparing to ship out to defend their country from, “someplace that doesn’t speak Spanish.” According to Lt. Mike Killdevil, “I think we’re being sent to some place in Saudi…oops, I shouldn’t have said that. But anyway, it’s someplace over there, and we’re psyched. We’re ready to shoot and shoot and shoot.” But businesses surrounding the base are sad to see the airmen go. “Some of those boys really pay my overhead,” said Lydell “Sonny” Wiggs, owner of the Napalm Lounge. “In fact, most of those pilots come in here so twisted on go-pills that they spend maybe $60 or $70 on drinks just trying to make a smooth landing.” Others worried about the safety of the airmen. “I told a couple of the guys,” said Wal-Mart clerk Wilton Strobe, “you be careful. If it’s brown and it moves, kill it. Don’t take chances.” |
This week marks the debut of Washington's foremost gossip columnist, Gabriela Bocagrande. Gabriela hosted a talk show in Bogota until forced by rogue military units to flee to D.C. Here, she investigates Latin American malfeasance for the Texas Observer. A lifelong Social Democrat, she admits she's more social than democrat.
  By Gabriela Bocagrande Welcome to our first annual ex post State-of-the-Union Congressional chamber scan. We’ve gathered what observations we could, given that security was so tight on Capitol Hill last Tuesday night. Even the street panhandlers were forced to move along by police, so that the more affluent election purchasers and mendicants could safely assemble for their traditional self-congratulatory mid-winter spew. Here in one large room sat the whole sorry mess. As always, most of it was depressing and distressing , but some things were just plain puzzling. For instance: In the “Forgotten But Not Gone” category—where was Mr. Trent? For the first time in years there was not a single head shot of the racist old gavel banger. You can bet that if Mr. Strom were President, he would still be sitting up front with the big boys and girls...And speaking of big girls,where in the world did Christie Todd Whitman get that dreadful red suit? With broadcast fashion displays like that, no wonder the French hate us so much, and won’t do anything we say. They’ve warned that they’re not putting up with loud colors in plus sizes for another season…And speaking of big boys, Dennis Hastert and Ted Kennedy appeared to have overdosed on the same major tranqs, smiling peacefully as if recently deceased. Could be that fewer milligrams are indicated…But then Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld weren’t exactly the Pep Boys, either, were they? Bill Frist phoned up to say that Colin was all jammed up because he had to sit next to Rummie, who viciously kicked him under the camera range. He reportedly whined later to VP “Big Dick” Cheney that Rummie was “over on my side.”…And speaking of Big Dick, don’t forget Li’l Joe. Rumors are now circulating that Joe Lieberman and Hill Clinton "got a thing goin' on." This is abhorrent, but they were spotted sitting together in the Democrats’ second row just behind the Joint Chiefs and dutifully applauding dividend tax cuts and ‘nooke-yooler’ attacks. Okay, everybody who still wants to be President, please clap hands…Boo! Elaine Chao is still alive. I saw her twitch. Hey Kids, what time is it? No one noticed that HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson was missing because Howdy Doody, the grinning, block-headed marionette, skillfully doubled for him all evening. The real Tommy was actually back at the office calculating the cost of Medicare drugs for old people. He phoned in this morning to report that Mr. Strom’s anti-psychotic medications alone could break the bank. That’s strictly ‘worst case,’ though. Optimistic actuarial projections indicate that Mr. Strom will soon die, but then, they’ve been wrong before…And Finally, the entire Cabinet repaired to the Occidental Grill over at the Willard Hotel for a private and much-needed botox party after the show. Everyone was especially encouraged to learn from the State-of-the-U that Saddam has stockpiled thousands of gallons of botulinum toxin and that our troops are going in there to get it. It’s about time, too; cosmetic surgical procedures and hair transplants can only take you so far, darling. And after that, you need to not be on TV—not for any reason, ever. Ciao now, GB
© The Washington Pox 2003 |