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 U.S. READIES “OPERATION JUST OIL”  The U.S. Has Big Plans For Iraq By Justin Kidney-Stone WASHINGTON, FEB. 14 – Disgusted with “all that blah-blah” at the United Nations, President George W. Bush today announced plans for a military-commercial-religious solution to the stalemate in Iraq. Slamming the U.N. Security council, Bush said, “If they’re not finished with their damned chin music by next week, we’re initiating Operation Just Oil.” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld explained the major objectives of the operation. “It’s not just oil,” he said, “it’s just oil.” When questioned on the distinction, Rumsfeld explained, “If it was just oil, we’d only want the oil, but instead, we want to bring democracy to Iraq, and we want the oil. So, we call it just oil.” According to information released by the Department of Defense, Operation Just Oil will consist of eight light and heavy Army Divisions, six Marine Brigades, three thousand Cruise missiles, a sustained aerial bombardment by Air Force Warthogs and Navy F-16s, and some British planes flying around aimlessly. The objective is to seize the oil fields in southern Iraq, destroy the Iraqi army, then seize the oil fields in northern Iraq. Then, immediately behind the ground troops, special Faith-Based Deprogramming Units, or FDUs, would round up civilians and warn them of the dangers of Islam. When The Washington Pox asked the official what are the dangers of Islam, he replied, “Those who persist in believing in Islam would sure be in danger.” Bush himself put it succinctly when he said that Operation Just Oil was designed to "Bomb them stupid, kill their leaders, forcibly convert them to Christianity and take their oil." When asked how this would bring democracy to the country, Bush said, “Democracy? Oh, that’s later. Probably much later.” Paid Advertisment 
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  By Gabriela Bocagrande God Bless America, my darlings. As a dark-complected recent immigrant with a heavy accent, I wanted to get that out there right up front, before anyone gets the wrong idea. Emotions are running high this week in Washington, with crazed Congresspersons, heavily armed security personnel doing way too much over-time, and hysterical journalists all clamoring for preemptive war and ferreting out fifth-columnists in their midst. As anyone who has done any time here in the capital of the Free World knows, they can turn on you. Even so, the late-winter social season continues, and we were pleased to be included in the Lone Star Salute to Congress, thrown by the Texas State Society last week. Tom Delay, Texas’ most charming politician after Mr. Machísimo President himself, made a spectacular entrance, careening through the Rotunda in his bright yellow Humvee, and crashing into the “Longhorn Chuck Wagon,” over by the Pocahontas mural. A queue of Texans sustained minor injuries while lined up for wieners, courtesy of Oscar Meyer, now a proud TSS Platinum sponsor…Despite the pricey sponsorships, the fee for admission to the TSS Gala was roughly the cost of a rock of crack, so the crowd was not really all that selective. In fact, in the Gone but not Forgotten category, Dick Armey lumbered by saying howdy to everyone with oil money. Unfortunately, the old monster disappeared during the festivities; rumors circulated that he was swept into the trash with the remains of the BBQ by careless undocumented workers trucked over from Blackie’s House of Beef to clean up…And speaking of trash, Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson admitted under close questioning that she occasionally fires her .38 at Congressional staffers, and has winged a few in her time. “Just trying to thin out the herd,” she tittered. Which reminds me of the winner of our new “Not Likely to Survive Combat” Contest: Karl Rove, who was out of breath just twisting arms and grabbing lapels. This man is in very bad shape. And it’s not just a matter of no muscles, darling. I’d swear there aren’t even any bones in all that flab…As always at a Texas function, many of the ladies’ hairdos were heinous. Ex-Governor-turned-lobbyist Ann Richards popped in with her platinum bouffant, just after the Dallas-Forth Worth Chapter of the Volunteers of America found a hunk of the space shuttle in her coif. So that’s it, darling. I’m off to the Corporate Social Responsibility Annual Awards Dinner in Miami. The Daimler Chrysler people are winning the gold this year for saving the Amazon by using coconut shell fiber in the upholstery of their Mercedes E,F, and G lines. And hiring all those cunning monkeys. But remember, all of you here in Washington during the siege – whatever else you do, do not inhale. Ciao now, GB
© The Washington Pox 2003 |