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AS IRAQI TROOPS
MASS IN CANADA
TOM RIDGE ORDERS
“FIGHT TO THE DEATH”
Schoolgirls in Dayton, Ohio Take Aim At Saddam Hussein
By Edema Johnson
WASHINGTON, FEB. 20 – As the Iraqi buildup in the Caribbean and Canada proceeds apace, U.S. communities prepare to defend their homeland with small arms, anti-tank ditches and even scythes and pitchforks. According to Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge, “We estimate that two to three million Americans may die in the initial missile and aerial bombardment, but we intend to stand fast and defend our country to the last man and woman.”
With United Nations approval for invasion only weeks, maybe days, away, Americans are bravely going about their business. Yet millions are lining up in schools and churches for small arms training. “I admit there’s not much we can do against the might of the Iraqi military,” said Selwyn Kleeber of Utica, New York, as he shouldered an antique Garand rifle, “but it’s our country and we can’t just stand by while some superpower invades us.”
Tin Can Drive in Salem, Oregon
Meanwhile, housewives around the country frantically gathered up discarded tin cans, which will be melted down to make muskets and bayonets. Others rolled lingerie into bandages and baked scarce supplies of flour into hardtack to be used by Homeland Defense.
Ordinary Americans Awaiting the Inevitable Attack
All in all, the mood of the country is grim and determined. Most Americans seems resigned to war, and as one man in Nashville, Tennessee, put it, “I just hope it’s over fast.”
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SOMETHING
“DARK AND EVIL”
SEEN
EMERGING
FROM KARL ROVE
WASHINGTON, Feb. 20 -- Was it an illusion or a sign from below? Dozens saw it and are only now admitting they were profoundly distressed at the “eminence,” as one put it, that seemed to slowly emerge from Karl Rove at a recent Republican strategy session. Others who were present are maintaining a close-lipped denial.
Rove was widely seen as the guiding intelligence behind the Republicans’ November victory, but some are questioning whether that intelligence was his alone. “I think we’ve seen a pretty clear sign that Rove made a pact with the devil in order to win that one,” said one RNC staffer who requested anonymity. “I wonder what the real cost will be for those few congressional seats,” he asked.
CHRISTIE WHITMAN SLOWLY FADING TO BLACK
WASHINGTON, Feb. 18 -- For more than a year now, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Christine Todd Whitman has been visibly darkening. According to close aides, it has reached a point where few EPA staffers can even see her without special night vision glasses.
“It’s a shame,” said Western Regional Director Bart Condell, “she used to be such a vibrant, active presence. And now, she’s like a ghost.”
According to CNN producer Elias Coffrey, “The last time we had Christie on, she didn’t even appear on the videotape. You could hear her, but nothing appeared on the screen.”
The administration’s last environmental initiative, the Acid Rain Emission Trading Program, was recently revealed to be, according to the UNDP, “nothing but a massive hoax.” But apparently, Whitman was the only one in the White House who wasn’t in on the joke. “She took it pretty hard,” said one aide. “After that the fading just got worse and worse.”
© The Washington Pox 2002
Pox Archive
publisher@dcpox.com
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