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Grotesque |
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 OF THE WORLD MEET WITH PRESENT COLONIAL OWNER Jose Maria Aznar, Jose Durão Barroso and Tony Blair By Charlene Lockheed-Martin TERCEIRA, AZORES, March 16 -- The leaders of Britain, Spain and Portugal--once controllers of more than half the world--met this week with the leader of the United States who seeks to control all of it. George W. Bush, president of the U.S., explained the trip before leaving Washington. "I admit that the United States has been arrogant," he told the media. "I thought I knew how to run the world, but I guess I have a few things to learn from the old boys, the guys who ran the world before me. So, we're going to some island or somewhere to learn a little more." The Four Amigos, as they now call themselves, set their meeting in the Azores, one of Europe's few remaining colonial possessions. The islands belong to down-at-the heels Portugal, and Portuguese prime minister Jose Durão Barroso was humbled to be invited to discuss world domination alongside Bush, the U.K.'s Tony Blair and Iberian neighbor Jose Maria Aznar. But some questioned how businesslike the meeting really was. Sounds of the raucous gathering wafted through the balmy air of the city of Terceira, and it appeared that the colonialists, past and present, were enjoying themselves immensely. "Those guys," said local policeman Fernando Rodrigues, "have been partying since they got here. I've told them to keep it down three times now. I don't know how they'll find the time to carve up the world." Blair spokesman Alastair Campbell, however, stated for the record, "The guys are doing just fine. Maybe Aznar is dwelling a bit on past glories, but who can blame him. Anyway, Georgie says there'll be plunder enough for everyone, and they're all really tight chums now."
 BOYS OF THE 119TH “SCAREDY CATS” BATALLION SING, “HAND ME MY BAG DAD, I’M HEADED FOR OLD IRAQ” By Elliott Trumbinik
FORT DIX, N.J., March 15 – A U.S. Army spokeswoman today admitted that the latest troops headed for Kuwait were indeed, complete losers. “I can’t imagine these boys beating anyone in hand-to-hand combat,” said Lt. Sheila Mercer, “in fact, I can’t imagine that they’d ever be used for anything within 100 miles of the front lines.” The commander of the 119th (nicknamed the Scaredy Cats) Col. Gordon Placenta, told the press that, “Somebody has to be last, and we’re proud to do it. If we didn’t someone else would.” The problem, said Mercer, is that the Army is clean out of soldiers. “We have troops based in over 100 countries and now we’ve got a war to fight. We’re down to the worst of the worst. We’re definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel.” When asked if he minded being categorized as worthless, Pvt. Brian Fudd of Northfield, Minnesota told The Pox, “Well, it hurts, sure. But we have a kind of inverse pride in being the most inept, terrified unit in the U.S. Army. Hell, maybe in the world.” The 119th is nominally a quartermaster unit, but no one expects it to do anything whatsoever when they arrive in Kuwait City. “We can hope they just sit on their bunks and wait till it’s all over,” said Lt. Mercer.
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TOM RIDGE URGES NEW WARNING SYSTEM TO COUNTER THREAT OF HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
WASHINGTON, March 12 – Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge spoke out today against the growing threat of hypertension, and proposed a new system to warn Americans when others were approaching aneurism levels. “We will institute a color-coded national warning system that will sound alarms when anyone in your community is in danger of blowing their vessels,” he said at a news conference in Washington. “Some of our citizens are walking time bombs,” he said, “and unless we move to identify them, there could be blood in the streets.” Ridge unveiled a chart of the threat levels, ranging from guarded to severe. “I know that many Americans don’t want to pry into the medical conditions of their neighbors,” said Ridge, “but if I had to live next door to someone with an elevated or high blood pressure level, I think I would owe it to my family and community to identify these people and send them to Guantanamo for treatment.”
SOURCE: RUMSFELD “JUST WON’T SHUT UP" ABOUT ALLEN GINSBURGTHE PENTAGON, March 13 – An inside Pentagon source told The Washington Pox today that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has been on a Ginsburg kick since the beginning of February. “He won’t stop talking about him. He won’t stop quoting Ginsburg poetry. It’s driving everyone crazy.” Last week, according to the source, Rumsfeld called a high level briefing and delivered lines from CIA Dope Calypso. “I mean here’s the head of DoD scatting, ‘Collecting opium to send to The Man, Pushing junk in Bangkok yesterday, Supported by the CIA’,” said the man. Several foreign military attaches confirmed Rumsfeld’s obsession. “It’s real good poetry,” said one Baltic diplomat, “but I don’t need to hear all of Sphincter or In The Baggage Room at Greyhound before we get down to deciding on a new standard rifle cartridge for NATO.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
