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 FOR MILE-LONG IRAQ WAR MONUMENT  Bush: It Preserves the Integrity of the Mall By Yvonne Ocarina WASHINGTON, March 20 – “With Operation Iraqi Freedom more than 24 hours old,” said a solemn George W. Bush, “it is time we commemorated those brave coalition men and women who are bringing democracy to Iraq.” So saying, Bush plunged a golden shovel into the rain-softed ground of the National Mall. At that signal, more than a hundred bulldozers came to life and began tearing up the ground. Bush hopes to have the monument finished shortly before American and British troops enter Bagdad. The National Planning Committee rejected several designs by American firms and chose one by the German architecture studio of Albert Speer and Associates. “Only the Speer design,” said chairman Fermin R. Weasel, “has the monumental scope, the grandiosity appropriate to this war.” Weasel conceded that in order to complete the monument that six of the Smithsonian museums would have to be razed, but pointed out that, “families will have plenty of open space to bring their children.” The administration plans to use Iraqi oil to pay for the $148 billion dollar structure. AMERICAN HIGH COMMAND DRIVES DEEP INTO IRAQI DESERT 
“It’s No Harder Than Warsaw,” says Field Marshal Franks By Marshall Art AL-QASELTZER, IRAQ, March 23 – Tiger tanks rumbled through the gritty desert towns as the Coalition Army struck against the Iraqis in a series of lightning moves. Using a technique known as Schock und Aue, the army has brushed aside Iraqi soldiers as so many dead leaves. “The Field Marshal,” said spokeswoman Trudi Schleiden, “is a take-no-prisoners kind of guy, and the Iraqis respect him for that. In fact, many of them have simply shot themselves, saving our troops the trouble.” Throughout the night, Henkel long-range bombers operating from Bahrain hit military targets in Bagdad, leaving a trail of dead military children. Meanwhile in the capital Chancellor George won Busch was said to be “highly amused” as the reports of mounting enemy casualties. However, he repeated to the world’s media that “we are conducting this campaign solely to liberate the Iraqis from their Arab oppressors.” When asked where he would go from here, von Franks asked impishly, “How far is it to Moscow?” |
  By Gabriela Bocagrande Bon giorno, darlings, from Milano. While the rest of the foreign press corps has gone to Kuwait, I am embedded in the Annual Footwear Event, Internazionale Division, here in the heart of Italy. This is more painful than desert warfare, believe me, as next year’s shoes are higher and pointier than Notre Dame. It is astonishing to see live human ladies actually wearing these things – as they are not shaped like feet. A world gone mad on torture and cruelty. And speaking of cruelty, a number of international military celebrities and craven camp followers have popped by on their way to their photo shoots in the middle east. Stormin’ Norman Schwartzkopf lumbered in packing heat. He was shopping for “kick-ass” boots before catching his connecting flight to Tel Aviv. Does everyone know that Schwarzkopf is German for blackhead? I thought so. Next came Ms. Shock-and-Awe herself, Christiane Amanpour, who has managed to be on-site for every single massacre involving white people since 1990. She is so chic and has such sharp war outfits, don’t you agree? At today’s showing, she purchased a darling little handbag made from endangered species (just large enough for a .38) and then rushed off to the airport. She said that she was booked into Istanbul, as close as you can get to the bloodbath without being enlisted, but she’s stand-by for Baghdad – “The human rights show of the decade, darling,” she shouted from the cab. Baba Wawa, who, it turns out, is still alive, is not at all interested in human wights, she told me. “Bo-wing,” she said. Baba was chased off by outraged Italian footwear designers for showing up in a flat pair of fake suede Naturalizers. And she’s headed east, too, hoping for the last interview with Saddam before his bunker expwodes. “I need to find out if he’s mah-weed. Or at weast if he has a goo-woo fwend.” Baba is still so focused. And then came Ari Fleischer by videoconference, looking for a leather cap to conceal his huge bald head. This man has such an attitude that the tech people couldn’t stand him and pulled the plug as he was explaining, “...The President thinks...” No one in footwear internazionale gives a rat’s ass WHAT the President thinks, they explained. Finally, so you don’t think me too frivolous, at the end of the day I dropped in on the anti-guerre rally together with the rest of the popoli in Milan. We crammed into the City Center near the Duomo, the enormous cathedral built by another morally perverse, grotesque and grandiose Western culture bent on brutalizing the rest of the world and falling apart. But everyone attending was so depressing: no makeup, raggedy clothing and footwear reminiscent of bowling shoes. Of course, when Il Duce comes after you with water cannons and tear gas, you do not, not, not want to be wearing spike heels and mascara, now do you? Ciao now, Gabriela
© The Washington Pox 2003 |