By Yoko Kuchiku

WASHINGTON, April 16 – The Bush administration has apparently felt remorse over their failure to protect Baghdad’s National Museum from looters. So today, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer announced that the Bush family was donating several pieces from their own collection to fill the void left my U.S. negligence.

“I agree that it was foolish,” said Fleischer, “for American troops to be guarding oil wells, while they failed to respond to pleas to protect the museum. It might give the wrong impression to the world that we value oil above anything else.”

In a ceremony on the White House lawn, the president and Laura Bush tearfully said goodbye to their one of their prized Thomas “Painter of Light” Kinkade oil reproductions. “When Laura and I bought this at the Kinkade store at the Houston Galleria,” he said, “we knew that we had a work of art that could move the human spirit. And the fact that it’s by a real Christian painter doesn’t hurt, either. Not that it would be bad for Muslims, but, well, God is good, Allah Akbar and all that…”

"Soaring" new Assyrian Frieze
Destined for Baghdad

The President himself plans to attend the opening of the new W-Wing sometime in May he said, "unless there's a war or something in Syria."

April 14 – Irked that Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz had assumed the title Wolfowitz of Arabia, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced a name change of his own. “I researched our family tree and found that I’m descended from a line of Junker warriors. I am entitled to use the honorific Von in my name,” he said proudly.

Moreover, he told cringing reporters that he would no longer dress in civilian clothes, and would ask the media to address him as “Field Marshal.”

Asked if that might send the wrong signal to European allies once held captive under previous Field Marshals, Von Rumsfeld replied, “That’s the old Europe. The new Europe sides with the winners.”