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DISNEY WINS CONTRACT
TO REBUILD BAGHDAD
Baghdad Of The Future
By Letch Feely
LOS ANGELES, May 2 –CEO Michael Eisner announced today that the Disney Corporation was awarded a $13 billion Department of Defense contract to rebuild shattered Baghdad. It marks the first time that a corporation not directly owned or managed by Dick Cheney has been tapped by Washington to ride the gravy train.
“The administration knows that Disney has links to the Democrats,” said Eisner, “but they’re also smart enough to know that when it comes to Iraq, fun is the most important thing. After all these people have been through, they need Disney. That’s why our plans for a Baghdad of the Future won the contract.”
Eisner showed reporters a scale model of the new sections of Baghdad. “Over here’s our 50s-themed neighborhood, Baghdaddio,” he said, “and over here is Democracy Village where Iraqis can pretend to vote and meet replicas of Abraham Lincoln. Of course, we have to be sensitive to Iraqi culture, so there will also be Islam-O-Land, with actors dressed up as Mohammed and the Seven Dwarfs and the like.”
Most of the media spent time playing with the model monorail. This train rockets Baghdaddios from downtown, rebuilt to look like Houston, to Iraqi Freedomland. “Here,” said a guide dressed as a U.S. Special Forces lieutenant, “Iraqis can experience the bad old Iraq, with Saddam Mountain, Pirates of the Persian Gulf and the nightly Shock and Awe displays.”
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ALL DC VOTERS
NOW ON
PERMANENT JURY DUTY
DC Courthouse
WASHINGTON, May 1 – Washington, DC is a city with a substantial crime rate, but not enough jurors to hear the thousands of criminal and civil cases before the courts. As a result, the federally-administered court system today empanelled every registered DC voter, and has ordered them to report to court by Monday at the latest.
Jurors will be required to live in barracks being constructed next door to the United States District Court. Most will remain on duty for the rest of their lives. According to Clerk of Courts Kevin Morley, “Persons with terminal diseases will be given time off for good behavior, but all others will remain as lifetime jurors.”
The new program was designed by Attorney General John Ashcroft to handle both ordinary criminal cases and the expected increase in terrorism-related prosecutions. “Admittedly,” said Ashcroft, “we are hoping to sentence most suspects without resorting to a trial, but we have to be prepared in this time of terror.”
BUSH TAPS
RUSSIAN DOC
TO BE NEW
SARS CZAR
Dr. Yuri A. Zhivago in an Early Photo
WASHINGTON, May 3 – President Bush and Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona announced today that an obscure Russian physician, Dr. Yuri Zhivago, was chosen to head the new SARS taskforce.
“We’ve had drug czars and education czars,” said Bush, “and I wanted a SARS czar. It sounds good and I like it. And I said, if we’re going to have a czar, let’s get a real Russian. Well, Laura, who as you know reads books, told me about Dr. Zhivago who was apparently famous some years back for something, and I said, ‘that’s our guy.’ Turns out he was available, and he’ll be sworn in next Tuesday.”
General Carmona didn’t speak throughout the brief conference, but he did agree with the president that SARS, “is an evil disease, and we’re going to take it down.”
© The Washington Pox 2002
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