Who Needs It? |
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Edifying |
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 ORDERS BAATH PARTY REPLACED BY POOL PARTY  "This is what democracy looks like." By Chlorine Halogen BAGHDAD, May 13 – The U.S. Military Central Command (CentCom) in Iraq shut the offices of Saddam Hussein’s feared Baath Party, but Bush administration planners knew that Iraq would need a vehicle for political expression. Thus was born the Pool Party. “We felt,” said CentCom spokeswoman Trisha Paternoster, “that the best way to introduce Iraqis to American-style democracy, was to go right to the rewards. Therefore, we decided to blow the whistle and order everyone into the pool.” Throughout Baghdad today, the strains of party music mixed with occasional detonations of unexploded ordnance. The shrieks of pool revelers were mixed with the wails of the wounded and dying. But Iraqis were learning, as Americans do, to block out the unpleasant noises and just party on. “I thought life was just unremitting toil,” said Mustafa Al-Jacuzzi, “but thank God the Americans came and showed us a better way. My wife and three undernourished children plan to party like there’s no tomorrow.” One woman at an improvised pool in an East Baghdad bomb crater stared at Western newsmen, then pulled up her full-length garment to reveal a Hooter’s T-shirt. Most people, however, clustered around a half-keg of Mud City Ale and tried their hand at air guitar or smoking dope. “This is what democracy looks like,” said a U.S. Marine who was on patrol.
DESPERATE AMTRAK ADDS
300 FT. 
Megacoaster Loop Just Outside Wilmington, Delaware By Marshall Art WASHINGTON, May 15 -- Amtrak President and CEO David L. Gunn told reporters gathered at Washington’s Union Station that “from this day forth, Amtrak will be a new kind of railroad—one with stomach-churning loops and thrills that heretofore were only available in a theme park. But as of today, they’ll be included in the Acela ticket between DC and New York.” Gunn admitted that Amtrak has been locked in a desperate battle with the Republican-controlled congress which wants to cut off all funding to the national railroad. “I’ve told them that no transportation system in the world makes money,” Gunn said, “but they insisted we find a way to turn a profit. OK, let’s see the airlines top this one.” Gunn said he expects that the cost of the full-body harnesses will be offset by increased ridership, especially among families. And, he said, “if this works out as we expect, you’ll be seeing a Drop Zone and Volcano Blaster rise somewhere in the Jersey Meadowlands.” |
 JOHN EDWARDS |
