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Coast Guardsman Explains Difference Between Sun and Moon To Obviously Befuddled President By Raúl Carbona BALTIMORE, June 19 – Doctors at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine have revealed that President George W. Bush is off the chart—at least when it comes to intelligence. “We really have no way to describe the height of his stupidity,” said chief psychiatric resident W. Olney Grommet, “it’s like stupidest is 10, and he goes to 11.” Bush checked in last Friday for his annual intelligence test, or, as he calls it, “playing with blocks.” Doctors had to ask the President to repeat the test because, said Grommet, “we didn’t believe the score at first. The fact is, this man should have trouble figuring out how to tie his shoes, yet here he is making momentous geopolitical decisions. For instance, on the general information quiz, Bush was astounded to learn that Canada is a separate country, and the cheese is made from milk.” Other observers, such as Dr. Leo Schnurkus of UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Institute, though described the findings as, “unsettling, but not surprising.” According to Dr. Schnurkus, “Although bush began his term with the lowest IQ of any president, there were signs that it would continue to drop. For instance, he actually believed that he had won the election. And then there was all that stuff about Iraq.” Some European analysts were surprised, though. “It’s not as if we haven’t seen really stupid heads of state in Europe,” said political neurologist Drusila Lehmann of Berlin’s Gestat Schmartdoktorhaus, “I mean Hitler had the bright idea of invading Russia, right? But Bush is, for a modern leader, unbelieveably pinheaded. Or maybe he’s insane. He really thinks he can control the world, doesn’t he? Not even Berlusconi is that stupid.” But Americans take Bush’s mounting stupidity in stride. “I knew he was dumb when I voted for him the last time,” said Jason Wurbler of Modesto, California. “And if he’s getting dumber, then good, I’ll vote for him again. I feel secure with him in the White House.”
ARI FLEISCHER RESORTS TO TRASHCAN LUNCHES 
Grainy Telephoto of Tragic Fleischer At His Usual Dining Spot By Beth Israel WASHINGTON, June 21 – Once a powerful figure in the Bush White House, outgoing Press Secretary Air Flesicher is now shunned, scorned and denied his pay and benefits. His crime: announcing that he wanted to return to private life. “That’s what happens to people when they turn their back on the best president in recent history,” said former Republican Party chief Haley Barbour. “I have no sympathy for him, none at all.” According to former friends, Fleischer has been left by his wife, turned out of his Capitol Hill townhouse and refused service at most Washington area restuarants. “He was once one of the sexiest men in Washington,” said former girlfriend Susie Watlo, “but now he’s just another little bald man. I’m not surprised that he can’t show his fat face around here.” A Pox reporter caught up with Fleischer as he foraged in trashcans in the shadow of where he once held his famous Sunday brunches. But Fleischer dropped the partially-eaten Stauffer’s frozen turkey tetrazzini.,and denied being Bush’s press secretary. “My name is, uh, Harry, uh Harry Meischer,” he said, “and I’m doing research.” With that, he turned and fled. “Washington is a tough town,” commented one former neighbor. “This happens all the time.” |
  By Gabriela Bocagrande LAST CALL, my darlings, Saturday night at the Republican National Hispanic Assembly of the United States Heritage Leadership Awards Dinner and Gala in the nation’s capital. I was so honored to be among the chosen, as we gathered to celebrate our recent designation as the largest minority here in your glorious homeland. According to your very own Bureau of the Census, we have handily defeated the top-ranked African-American people, as well as a few minor challengers, such as the Asians of America, who ran a miserable and distant third. Hindus made a surprising showing in Iowa, I must admit, but they have yet to go truly nationwide. And Native Americas, as we are all aware, are more or less a complete wipeout. Unlike ourselves. It was such a lovely evening to celebrate our demographic victory with the Hispanic Republicans at the downtown Hilton. Amidst abundant piñatas, sombreros and enchiladas, Mistress of Ceremonies, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen took the microphone to compulsively denounce communists and abortions, like the truly great Hispa-Republican that she is. And around the sangria bowl there was a great deal of chuckling about this week’s crank call from our favorite gusano radio station in Miami to the Satanic Fidel. Imaginative sound technicians had spliced together snatches of speeches from the archives of Venezuelan President Chavez to fabricate a tape of Senor Presidente asking Fidel for help locating a lost suitcase. The radio guys got the actual, real Fidel on open mike cursing at them in colorful and fluent Cuban Spanish. ¡Ay, what a riot! But Fidel knows a little something about crank calls, too. Honorary Hispano Republican George W. Bush, Presidente, of course, of the United States of America, took some time out from choking on jalapeños to confide that this whole Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq thing has finally been traced to a crank call placed to him from Havana, of all places. El Bushito swears that last year hilarious prankster and fugitive financier Robert Vesco, placed a call using an electronically altered voice to imitate a series of alarmed Iranian Ayatollahs who had noticed a mysterious outbreak of unexplained armpit lesions among isolated border populations and attributed the phenomenon to toxins wafting in from Baghdad. And speaking of fugitive financiers, many of this year’s Grande Eagle Award sponsors could not send delegations: including Fannie Mae and WorldCom. ¡Caramba! ¿Do you think their checks are good? We do know that Pete Coors, President of Hispanic Heritage Sponsor Coors Brewing Company writes good checks. Also big ones. Over at the tapas bar he leaned in on former CEO of the Puerto Rican Chamber of Commerce Tiro de Junco for the hard close on the power deal of the evening for sole beer distribution rights to the upcoming Salsa Sprint 2003 in San Juan. I think we can expect quite a kegger from those two. But remember, my darlings, stay out of the cerveza until after the sprint. And take it from Ileana: stay away from those abortions or we will be overtaken by come-from-behind ethnicities still seeking our demographic championship title. Ciao now, GB
© The Washington Pox 2003 |