Beastly |
 |
Unremarkable |
|
All but Certain Supreme Court Judges Share a Laugh: Sir Ralph Demerol; By Elton Johnson WASHINGTON, July 4 – Core conservatives, stung by surprisingly progressive Supreme Court decisions on race and gay issues, hit back today. They demanded that President Bush “fire four justices” and install a quartet of “bona fide monarchists.” According to conservative spokesman Anthony Prestone of the Royalist Foundation, the four are not well to the American public because “their forebears fled after the uprising of 1776 and they have been living in England or suitably colonial places.” Prestone said that a Republican congressional commission had vetted the four and pronounced their views “absolutely acceptable on gays, women, race, indentured servitude, the stamp tax and quartering of soldiers in the homes of citizens.” Although Bush faces a constitutional barrier, in that none of the four are actually American citizens, Prestone says that “the Supreme Court owes Bush this, since he let them elect him in the first place.” Moreover, said Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), “we owe Britain at least three justices, for supporting our recent colonial venture in Mesopotamia. And besides, every Senator who votes for them will receive a genuine knighthood.” A White House spokesman said that Bush hoped to have the four in place by the beginning of the fall term.
 PRINCE GEORGES COUNTY POLICE ACCIDENTALLY SHOOT PANDA
Panda Tian Tian Found Dead
WASHINGTON, July 3 – Police from suburban Princes Georges County chased a suspected drug dealer into Washington National Zoo yesterday. Officers then cornered the man and shot him dead. Unfortunately, the dead man was not suspected drug dealer Charles “Powderboy” Jackson, but the zoo’s top attraction, Tian Tian, the Chinese-born Panda. Zoo personnel were devastated. Said Zoo director Connie Meltzer, “Prince Georges police have a sorry record of unrestrained shootings and brutality, but this goes beyond anything they’ve ever done. How could they mistake a panda for drug dealer?” Prince Georges Police Chief Graham Stark defended his officers. “Powderboy Jackson had been described as “mixed-race,” and my officers shot the first black-and-white thing they saw,” he said, “This is a tragic mistake, but they were following procedure.” |
INCITER
CHENEY ARRESTED AGAIN HUFFING HYDROGEN FROM GM PROTOTYPE CAR Vice President Dick Cheney was arrested again today in suburban McLean, Virginia. Cheney was arraigned in Arlington, County court on charges of public intoxication. Officer Bernard Ocotillo told the judge that he found Cheney lying on the ground beside next to the tailpipe of a prototype GM hydrogen car. "The Vice President was giggling and making faces at passersby," said the officer, "and we felt for his own good, we had to bring him in." Cheney has long had a problem with deliriants, but according one White House insider, "he's in denial. He thinks he's helping his pals in the fossil fuel industry." Later that day, his office released a statement saying that Cheney wanted, "just to rest and maybe work on his car."
NOTE: The Washington Smart Set will not appear this week. Columnist Gabriela Bocagrande is on assignment at Canyon Ranch in Arizona. She will return when the exfoliation, ginger-salt pack, crystal massage and aromatherapy have done their work.
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
