By Lackawanna Jones

WASHINGTON, July 18 – Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan dropped the Prime to minus one point five today. “We’re overstocked,” he told reporters, “and I want it out of here, and I mean now! We need to make room this week.”

Asked what that meant, Greenspan said, “What do you think it means, schmuck? It means zero percent APR. It means rebates. It means we’re paying you to take our money. Take all you want.”

Ellison Wattling of the respected Financial Times said that Greenspan’s move was contrary to free market theory and might bankrupt the U.S. treasury. “What the hell do I care?” asked Greenspan, “My job is to make people happy, not prop up some theory."

Greenspan then began yelling, “You think I’m crazy, don’t you? OK, I’m crazy. Call me Madman Greenspan. Call me nuts.

“But I’m making the best deals in the city. We’re up to here with money and we have to move it all out before the ’04 models appear in the showrooms. I want to see you driving out with our money. Take it away before they take me away!

“Call it a Moneython. Call it the Sale of the Century. Call it whatever you want. Just come on down. We got coffee and sandwiches. We got washers and dryers. We got balloons for the kids. And ask for me, Madman Greenspan! Now get out of here.”

BUSH, BLAIR SWAP WIVES
BUT TO NO AVAIL

Laura Bush (left) and Cherie Blair (right)
Were Both Pretty Sad Sacks In The Sack

By Brittany Normandy

WASHINGTON, July 17 – British Prime Minister Tony Blair left the Capitol today elated after receiving a record 14 ovations during a rare joint session of Congress. According to White House sources, when Blair was in the limo heading back to the White House, he suggested to President George W. Bush that, “In the interests of cementing the alliance, we swap wives.”

When Bush first balked, Blair apparently became petulant and said, “But it is supposed to be a Special Relationship, is it not?” Bush apparently relented because as the two couples ascended the stairs in the White House, guards saw the President pair off with Cherie and head for the Lincoln Bedroom.

Later Bush was seen moping around the White House cafeteria, looking at his watch and asking people, “How long does Blair take to get that thing off? It’s been over 40 minutes already.”

A few minutes later Blair appeared looking equally downcast, and asked the President, “How’d it go?” Bush replied that, “I’m sorry for you, but it was no big deal.”

Blair said, “Now you see what I’m up against. Let’s forget the whole thing and invade Syria.”

“I’m for that, dude,” said Bush, and they headed for the Oval Office.