Overly Intrusive |
 |
Fine and Dandy |
|
Verified Photo of Nearly Dead U-Don By Rushdie Limbaugh BAGHDAD, July 22 – Saddam’s sons lived hard, lived large and lived the thug life. But today their run of hit records and unlimited sex came to an end as they were gunned down by agents of rap impresario D. Rummy. “They needed killin’,” said a heavily armed thug named Tech Sergeant Wallace. “We lined those mothers wit chalk, and put ‘em clean out of business.” “That one was for Tupac,” said an exultant D. Rummy from his five-sided Virginia studios. “We told them for 10 years to stay out of our thing, but did they listen? Some people got to be told with a nine, know what I mean?” he said, puffing on a cigar. According to Vibe magazine critic Sanderson Chang, “U-Don and Q-Ball were never as big as they thought. They were just kind of a Tigris and Euphrates kind of phenom. But they had all that promo money from Baath Records, and they thought they’d move in on D. Rummy’s East Coast operation. Happens all the time.” Meanwhile, Baghdad fans lined up to buy pirated CDs of the dead rappers, whose bodies are on display at the headquarters of Notorious D.O.D.
 
|
  By Gabriela Bocagrande Greetings from Golden Pond, my darlings. Such a charming spot but such a sad occasion. Jane Fonda, whom I had not heard from since I suffered a pulled glute during an intermediate sculpting and toning workout in Santa Monica, called just last week to ask that I accompany her on her mission to clear out the summer cottage here. As you are all aware, our favorite old movie star, Kate Hepburn, shipped out of this world less than a month ago, and someone had to come up to Bumstuck, Maine to put her affairs in order. I do hate to complain, but Jane has not been much help this weekend. Right now, she’s thundering away down at the dock alternating fat burning and high-impact intervals. The loons at the south end of the Pond are positively panicked; they haven’t seen a flap like this since Olympia Snowe was bonked by a jet-ski back in ‘88. It now appears that a mass exodus of horrified older persons is also underway, streams of them headed for the mainland with nothing more than the clothes on their backs and Jane shrieking away behind them like a coxswain. Only the wheelchair-bound have been left behind, and Jane is screaming at them, too, between cartwheels, urging them to get with her new “Lean Routine.” I admit that she is demented, but still, you can hardly blame her, my darlings; this crowd needs to work on its buns and thighs bad. Meantime, I’m left with the sad mementos of the Hepburn decline. Dear Kate had apparently been working on her co-dependency at the end. I’ve turned up an entire shelf of literature and correspondence from Melody Beattie, who been topping the self-help book charts churning out guides to happiness for the unlucky spouses of drunks and drug addicts. This clever gal has made a mint! If she ever takes her copyright public, I’m buying shares. Let’s keep up those daily affirmations, darling! Oh wait. Here’s some super advice from Melody: “Feel your feelings.” Well, for my part, I’m feeling a white hot rage at Jumpin’ Jane for dragging me up here and then taking off to whip the over-eighty set into shape. Fortunately for me, Kate seems to have been a fairly tidy old bird who, judging by the closet contents, mostly liked to dress up in women’s clothing and watch her own old flicks. Imagine that. It’s like having Oscar-winning home movies of your entire depressing and pointless life. The kitchen appears to have been used for the autopsy, although it’s possible that Kate simply lost a battle with a lobster or two in here; those little guys can be vengeful, you know, if they should get the nasty little rubber bands off their flippers. I’m beginning to suspect foul play from the looks of this. Neighbors reported that they spotted Joan Rivers fleeing the scene, but no, that can’t be. Isn't she divorced or overdosed or something? Who Knows? Anyone? Raise hands please. Jane herself was scandalized by the storehouse of carbs in here, by the way; Kate had apparently subsisted on Chips Ahoy and Nutter Butters for some months. This is a cruel country for old people, don’t you agree? It’s amazing that she hung on as long as she did. Nor is the bathroom much of a treat, but I’m not touching that. Jane already has dibs on the all drugs and moisturizers so there isn’t much point. And that’s it from here because I’m not tackling the back porch either. Jane swore she saw a live animal out there, like a…a muskrat, and I’m not going near it. Probably poisonous if you get between it and its cubs or something. Remember, my darlings, stay out of the woods and away from the water, if you can help it. And do not, not, not ever make plans to stay in any zip code whatsoever where they do not deliver. Ciao now, GB
© The Washington Pox 2003 |