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Victorious U.S. Troops Ready To By Bob Woodwind WASHINGTON, September 3 – President George W. Bush asked the world today to help U.S. military forces to “Get out of this thing without losing our butts.” In an unusually blunt statement, Bush told the United Nations that, “The American people have made it clear that although they really like war, the one thing they won’t stand for is U.S. casualties. And this Iraq occupation thing is just dropping our boys and girls like flies. “On the other hand, Karl’s polling has shown that most Americans really don’t give a damn if other people’s troops get killed in this thing. They care the least if those troops are brown or black, but even if they’re Polish or Grecians or Spaniels. “So I ask you, won’t you send us some disposable cannon fodder? There’s plenty of money in it for you, and most of you won’t miss a few hundred dead troops.” Afterward, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nation John Negroponte tried to soften Bush’s words by saying, “You have to understand that the president is facing re-election, and he isn’t as careful with language as he might usually be.”
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GEORGE WILL STROLLS Effete neo-feudalist columnist George Will can be seen walking the streets of his historic Georgetown neighborhood in the altogether. One neighbor, Gordon Poltroon, said, “Most every afternoon and some nights he’s out there, parading around with nothing on but his bow tie and a pair of Johnston & Murphy loafers. It’s ridiculous, but what am I going to say to the guy?” Georgetown University student Natasha Tundra surreptitiously followed Will one afternoon and watched for reactions of passersby. “It was eerie,” said Tundra, “no one made eye contact. Most people either didn’t notice him or pretended not to notice. I suspect most people didn’t know who he was and were kind of scared.” Will, who expresses an intense loathing for things modern, is generally known as a conservative dresser in the Brooks Brothers style. But according to George Washington University psychologist Dr. Gisele Flesch that may be the problem. “A man like Will,” said Flesch, “he is constrained all the time by his ideas, his hair, even his clothing. He must periodically break out to assert his basic humanity.” In any case, Will’s jaunts in the buff may have a seasonal rhythm. According to Poltroon, “When the temperature dips below 45, he puts on a loincloth and a fur hat. It’s still ridiculous, but at least he’s not naked.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
