Treacherous |
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Don't Ask |
CALIFORNIA DILEMMA—
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Steroid-Drunk Half-Actor (Left) May Be Elected By Totally-Drunk California Action Fans (Right) By Darrell P. Lemming OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, October 5 – “It’s rare to see such a universal outpouring of stupidity,” said electoral psychologist Amory Sawbridge-Pelt. “Usually it’s just the candidates, but in this case, the candidate seems to be outdone by the electorate.” In fact, poll after poll indicates that most California voters neither know nor care why they’re seeking the recall of incumbent governor Gray Davis. Many poll respondents said, “Recall is a cool thing to do.” Others said that the recall was like a computer game, “where you go chasing the victim through rooms and hallways and then you get to explode him.” Slightly more thoughtful Californians claim that Gray Davis has to go because of his misconduct. Comments often heard are: “The state deducts taxes from my paycheck!” “Everybody’s speaking Spanish now,” “The environment is like not clean enough,” and “Davis looks like he never works out.” On the other hand, rarely have observers seen such an inexperienced and totally dumb candidate. “I mean Ronald Reagan seemed kind of dumb,” said Laura-Irving Chaffsky, Director of the Transsexual Voter Study Group at the University of California at Milpitas, “but he had actually thought about politics. Schwarzenegger says things like, ‘I will get every Californian a fabulous job.’ He’s like so stupid it staggers you.” “I hate to say it,” said former state assemblyman Mary Ann Sakitumi (D-Wallboard Acres), “but maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger and California deserve each other.”
PROVES, “IRAQ HAD BOTH SCIENTISTS AND CHEMICALS.” 
Bush Message To Angry Iraqis, “Sunni Days Ahead.” By Plover Jenkins, Jr. WASHINGTON, October 1 – President George W. Bush was buoyed this week by a report released by chief weapons inspector David Kay. Bush gleefully told the media that the report proves that Saddam Hussein, “definitely had scientists who possessed chemicals which when combined could have made the precursors for compounds which might be used to make other chemicals, and which in turn could have become chemical weapons of moderate destruction.” Asked if that alone justified an invasion which killed several thousand civilians and continues to wound and kill Americans, Bush asked rhetorically, “How much proof do you need?” He conceded that no actual working weapons of mass destruction have been found, but he noted that, “Iraq is a big country, although not as big as Texas.” On the subject of rebuilding Iraq, Bush said that the country needs, “pretty much everything. What Saddam didn’t wreck, we did. I’d say we need, oh, about $87 billion this year” But the President assured Americans that none of the money will actually be spent on Iraqis. “We need that,” he said, “to get a whole bunch of Texas corporations set up and making money.” For those Iraqis still living without water, electricity, schools or security, Bush advised them to “pray five times a day and maybe something will happen later.” |
  By Gabriela Bocagrande And saludos once again, my darlings. This week I am on mission with a high level government operative, whose identity I am, fortunately, at liberty to reveal. Our head of delegation is Robert Zoellick, the United States Trade Representative, who travels the world convincing the peoples of poor countries that they need to buy more Gringo stuff. Now, it is certainly true that Gringos make truly inspiring consumer items: I myself recently purchased the Roomba ProElite High Speed Intelligent Sweeper Vac from a catalogue source. Only in Gringolandia can you find a battery-operated, super-suctioning roving mechanism that ingests all unidentified debris in any confined space where you set it loose. I released it in my front yard yesterday, where it swallowed two trespassing neighbor children and their Asian nanny. Too bad. Let’s see, where was I? Oh yes. On mission. This was great fun. His Absolutissimo Excellency Ambassador Zoellick and I disembarked in El Salvador, where, in return for access to cheap-issimo labor, the generous Trade Representative pronounced the United States willing to import organic pet shampoos and colognes made by impoverished Mayan ladies from weeds and grasses they seem to have gathered from smoking garbage dumps. They were represented by the charming and talented Matilde de Paloma. Such an imaginative and enchanting entrepreneur. Unhappily, she bears a strong resemblance to Mamie Eisenhower, who I believe is now dead. Is this correct? Anyway, Matilde confided to Ambassador Zoellick and myself that she has developed a promising career by niche marketing pampered pet products to Gringos, and exploiting – whoops – providing employment opportunities for the destitute descendants of the Meso American Empire. After meeting the press with the Ambassador, Matilde confided that she will shortly market in the United States the “Feline Stay-Fresh Drinking Fountain.” The Mayan Sales Associates employed in the assembly of these apparati will rake in downwards of 50 cents a day, using materials entirely derived from used automobile tires that their children will enterprisingly steal from airport parking lots. The children, explained Matilde, are highly motivated as they have no drinking water of their own. In contrast to the Feline Fountain beneficiaries, Matilde’s materials procurement specialists drink water from puddles and gutters. When I asked Matilde about this unsettling rumor, she replied something about breaking eggs and making omelets. If anyone understands this reference, please write me. Meanwhile, His Most Exalted Excellentness Zoellick had successfully negotiated complete Salvadorean market access for carcinogenic fertilizers, concocted from concentrated fecal matter produced in the United States. This organic compound will soon be spread across expansive hectarage to stimulate the production of Extra-Large, Grade A Super-Tasty Bananas for export to the unsuspecting European Community. This will be our little secret, my darlings. Please do not mention this to that hideous little toad, Robert Novak. He has such a big mouth, don’t we agree? Tomorrow we press on to Guatemala, home to the most extraordinary presidential candidate in the hemisphere, General Rios Montt, no friend to Matilde, after he tried to extinguish the remnants of the Maya Empire, using an ill-advised scorched earth policy, also exported duty-free from the United States of A. The General nearly wiped out the cheapest labor force in the world outside of The Great People’s Republic of China. Now I ask you, how smart is that? Also, my darlings, he believes in flying saucers. Jesus, me too. I can’t actually wait to get home, and I am heartily hoping that my own pets are all right. They’re being cared for by a low-tech glue-sniffing neighborhood teenager, to whom they have not been polite. What do I care? I intend to replace him shortly with the “Buried Treasure” Self-Cleaning and Deodorizing Cat Box imported from Mauritania, where the Ambassador is going next. I expect it to be extremely cheap. Ciao now, GB
© The Washington Pox 2003 |