Corruscating |
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Not For Minors |
SPECIAL RELIGION ISSUE |
“MODERATELY-TO-VERY SURPRISED”
TO FIND THEY RULE THE WORLD
San Francisco Photographer Barry Winick Was “Blown Away” To Find Out He Ruled The World By Curtsie Swoon WASHINGTON, October 17 – Millions of American Jews woke up yesterday to discover that they ran the world. The revelation came two days ago when longtime Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad at the Islamic Conference in Malaysia announced that, “today the Jews rule this world by proxy.” The statement, he explained, was not anti-Semitism, but merely fact. Not surprisingly, the news caused considerable concern and confusion among Jews here. An overnight Gallup poll discovered that 68 percent of Jews had been unaware of their omnipotence, and that nearly all Jews were unsure of how to deal with it. “It’s like winning the lottery when you didn’t even buy a ticket,” said Portland, Oregon barista Aaron Cooperman. “I guess this means I can give up this cheap-ass job. World rulers don’t pour Frappuccinos at Starbucks, do they?” he asked. Many Jews initially expressed skepticism over the announcement, but have come to accept it as true. “I guess he knows what he’s talking about,” said retired social worker Rita Nussbaum of Englewood, New Jersey, “after all, he’s a prime minister. But it seems a bit, well, weird. You would think someone would have told us before this.” Others are concerned that Dr. Mahathir failed to provide enough details. “My mom is Jewish, but my dad is kind of a lapsed Catholic,” said University of Minnesota junior Lauren White, “does this mean I only get to rule half the world? And which half? The top? The bottom? And what's this proxy thing? Do we rule or not?” Some, though, see world rulership as a good thing. “I guess this means that from now on, the goddam cable guy will show up when he says he will,” said University City, Missouri orthodontist Ken Maslow. However, part-time performance artist Howard “Ozone” Markowitz of Manhattan's East Village worries that global stewardship will bring added responsibilities. “I really don’t need that kind of trouble,” he said, resting in Tompkins Square Park after a performance. “I’m just into, you know, toking and hanging. I don’t want some distraught Japanese trade minister calling me up and asking me to fix the tariffs or whatever.” At least one Jew, though, wasn't surprised by Mahathir’s statement. “What took Mahathir so long to figure this out?” asked Dr. Henry Kissinger of New York. “I was ruling the world—and very successfully, I might add—way back in the 1970s.”
“ALL A-TWITTER” OVER NEW GAY BISHOP 
Reverend Gene Robinson Basks In Adulation Of Newly Liberated Churchmen By Rusty Gates, Jr. LONDON, October 16 – Representatives of the worldwide Anglican Church meeting in London gave a standing ovation to proposed gay New Hampshire bishop Gene Robinson. “We’re all queer today,” said New Zealand Presiding Bishop Anselm Runcible. Attending representatives almost without exception felt that the nomination of Robinson marked the end of centuries of repressed sexuality. “It’s time we got ourselves out of this stodgy, dry, English country parson time warp,” said Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, “Reverend Robinson is a godsend.” The most serious problem facing many delegates was one of profound ignorance. “I mean,” said Reverend Carmichael Glebe of Chipping Sodbury, “just what is this gay thing anyway? Is it like a frolic?” But for the most part, attendees were content to wait patiently in line to meet Gene Robinson who, as one Yorkshire delegate said, “has freed us from our bondage.” |
  By Gabriela Bocagrande Dominus Vobiscum and God be with you, my darlings, and me too, of course. And our nearly sainted and beatified Mother Teresa. Such a delightful woman, although not always dressed attractively, I must admit. Here we are at Vatican City, deep in the heart of Holy Roma, intermittently accompanied by the College of Cardinals, who have the most glorious hats in the world. I can’t tell you what I personally would give for one of those great huge pointy chapeaux. Next best thing to a halo, which none of us here are getting, no matter what, I’m sure. The Pontiff, JPI2, made a surprise appearance last night for the reception and Teresa-rama Wine Tasting in the Joan of Arc Ballroom at the Vatican Hyatt. We were all so pleased and honored. He was celebrating his 25th, as you know, and shared some quavering remarks about what a terrific papacy he has had. Madonna, who just happened to be in town, swarmed by with her entourage and helped herself to a few pops of this year’s best Lachryma Christi. She made several inappropriate and salacious remarks about one of the younger cardinals and groped a waitress who swung past with a bottle of apparently transubstantiated Cold Duck. The stuff looked just like blood, and I am not lying. For precisely this reason, I stuck with the Soave all evening. JP2 did go on and on last night, showing off his polyglottal skills by pronouncing the same tiresome observations in Polish, Italian, English, Spanish, French and so on. Madonna leaned over at one point and asked me, “How many goddamn languages does this little doll know?” This seemed inappropriate. The Beatification of Saint-Elect Mother Teresa takes place later this afternoon, but this morning life-size statues have gone on sale in the Basilica Museum Store. DVDs of her alleged miracles are also available at reasonable prices. According to one to of these programs, Holy Mother Teresa cured an entire merchant caste of athlete’s foot, and could expeditiously dispense with many other fungus-type afflictions, such as leprosy and swimmer’s ear. I wish I had known last summer. Also on sale at the Coliseum this morning were Mother Teresa relics in astonishing quantities. Bits of that dreary blue and tattletale gray robe, but also, apparently, a bucket of bone chips and spit-curls. I mean, how is this done after all? Did they dismember the little woman and parcel out the pieces. What would Jesus do? Well, we know what he would do. He would ascend into heaven, body and soul precisely in order to avoid these sorts of macabre entrepreneurial activities. Well I must be off. The Novena seems to be about to get underway. Go in peace, my darlings, and take good care of yourselves; potential relic salespersons are everywhere, and you do not, not, not want to be packaged for profit. Ciao now, GB
© The Washington Pox 2003 |