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ORDERS FEEDING TUBE RE-INSERTED IN BRAIN-DAMAGED BROTHER |
A White House Aide Gives The President His Nine O’Clock Feeding By Bolivar Shagnasty TALAHASSEE, October 21 –Four days ago, President George W. Bush’s feeding tube was removed by a team of physicians headed by Senate majority leader Dr. Bill Frist, who felt it was in the best interests of the Republican Party. But today, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, citing “inviolable right-wing religious principles,” ordered that doctors reinsert a feeding tube into his brain-damaged brother. Since January 14, 2001, when a pretzel cut off the oxygen supply to his brain, George Bush has struggled valiantly to lead the United States. But his presidency has been marred by his near- vegetative state, and has resulted in destructive, irrational and simply stupid actions. This has led many observers to conclude that a merciful death would be better both for Bush and the world. But Governor Bush invoked his brother’s right to life and intervened. “Moreover,” said Jeb Bush, “my brother was installed as president by Florida, not the United States as a whole, and therefore it is we who get to make the decisions.” Asked what substances would be traveling through the feeding tube, Governor Bush was at first evasive, but finally admitted that “George really likes mulched-up Little Debbie cakes. And of course, pretzels are a no-no.” When pressed whether W., as the family calls him, was in any shape for the world’s most powerful office, Governor Bush retorted, “That’s for the Bush family and their close friend God to decide.”
 
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  By Alec Dubro Like so many of you, I’m fed up with the business-as-usual, tax-and-spend, war-at-any-cost, cut-‘em-and-drain-‘em, throw-money-at-it liberal, libertarian reactionaries who run this city. They’ve turned this country into a living hell. But unlike most of you, I’m going to do something about it. I’ve decided to seek the nomination for President of the United States—either Democratic or Republican, or maybe Green party, or all of them. I know what so many of you are thinking now. You’re saying, “Don’t squander the integrity of The Pox, which you’ve worked so many months to amass.” Or you’re saying, “Don’t, Dear Leader, enter into the cesspool of American politics with its low morals and entangling deals and alliances.” Or maybe you’re saying, “Just who does this guy think he is, anyway, a major statesman like, say, John Edwards or Al Sharpton?” Well, I’ve heard your concerns, and I’ve decided to run anyway. For as Lord Acton or Benjamin Disraeli said, “All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to stay home and watch CSI.” As for the corrupting influence of politics, well, don’t worry about it. I’m accepting no campaign contributions, I’m making no promises, meeting with no interest groups and will remain aloof from the wants and desires of the electorate. I will remain locked in my office for the entire campaign, immune from the winds of petty politics. My slogan is, “Dubro: Above The Fray and Always Right.” Instead, I will be guided solely by the writings of my political mentor, Senator Henry “Scoop” Jackson, and my personal relationship with God. So don’t bother trying to get me to do anything or accept any new ideas. Just remember to vote for me this year or next year or whenever it is.
© The Washington Pox 2003 |