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WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE-- BUT CAN HE BEAT BUSH? |
Silvio Lies, Postures and Swaggers Like Bush— But Can He Overcome El Busho’s Commanding Lead? By Harold Gevalt CANCÚN, MEXICO, November 18 – Officials here at the World’s Biggest Asshole Contest are thrilled at the news that Italian strongman Silvio Berlusconi will almost certainly compete for the title this winter. Until now it had seemed that it would be another cakewalk for U.S. President George W. Bush, but according to one official, “It’s now a two-asshole race.” One who is especially delighted is Gary Klaverman, Vice-President for Events at Anheuser-Busch, one of the main sponsors of the Asshole tourney in Cancún. “It sounds like a real match-up,” he said. “I don’t follow international news too much,” said Klaverman, “but whenever I do hear about this Berlusconi, he’s so…arrogant, so ignorant, so sure of himself. Kind of like Bush, but with an Italian flair. I can’t wait to see them butt heads.” Cancún is known worldwide as the premier asshole destination for North Americans. “Even Americans who are not necessarily assholes in their own country will transform themselves into loud, obnoxious, racist assholes as soon as they can down two margaritas,” said Mexican Tourism Minister Luis de la Garza. “But,” he added, “they sure spend a lot of money.” ESPN correspondent Steve Wurbler, who has covered the contest for the past four years, doubted that Berlusconi could overcome Bush’s substantial lead. “Granted Berlusconi is a big, even great asshole—so much so that no one would want to spend ten minutes around him because who knows what the hell he would say. “But Silvio is inconsistent. He can go a few days without making a move, and then blam! He’s all over the papers calling somebody a Nazi or something. Bush, on the other hand, is a day-in day-out asshole, always embarrassing himself and the country. He’s got a great following, not only in Texas, but even in Canada. And to think that he does it without drinking—that’s why he’s the champion,” said Wurbler. Ever since the rumors have surfaced in Rome, though, tickets have been in high demand. “This is something my buddies and me have got to see,” said Worcester, Massachusetts asshole Michael Angelini. “I mean,” he said, “I’m Italian and Silvio, he’s Italian. But I’m American, and I think I’m pulling for Bush. He’s got to be the biggest asshole who ever ran a county, right? I’m getting’ drunk and obnoxious just thinking about it.”
“NO MORE EXCUSES,” SAYS W.H.O. 
Moscow Drunks Taking One Last Swallow Before The Long Ride to Rehab By Nicholas Codswollop III MOSCOW, November 18 – In a surprise move, the Geneva-based World Health Organization ordered the entire country of Russia into rehab. It’s the first time that the UN agency has exercised its police powers to compel a nation to seek treatment. WHO Director-General Lee Jong-wook took the drastic step today because, “We had simply heard enough lies and evasions from this country. They’ve promised to do something about their alcohol problem for the last 20 years. Enough is enough.” Said longtime Russia observer Wilton Schweem of Princeton University, “It’s about time. The United States has been crowing for a decade about the fall of communism and the transition to a market economy. But the truth is, it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference what the economic system is if the entire populace is drunk all the time.” In New York Russian Consul-General Vasily Plasterkovitch protested the WHO move. “It is simply not true that all Russians are continuously drunk,” he said indignantly, “I know several who never drink until after three p.m. Although, come to think of it, they’re dead.” According to Jong-wook, Latvia, Turkey and France tried an intervention, "out of love," but Russia refused to go to rehab voluntarily. So, today’s order includes an ultimatum: go or face an armed intervention. The U.S. has offered to send a division of ATF officers to enforce the ruling, and Japan will build and maintain the 60 ssquare kilomter rehab center east of the Urals. U.S. Surgeon General Richard Carmona said, “We’re willing to help foot Russia’s rehab bill. It’s worth it to keep 150 million people from stumbling around Eurasia day and night, breaking things and throwing up.” |
  By Alec Dubro WASHINGTON, November 14 – Who can doubt that my presidential campaign is an outright success? Not the naysayers, nor the gainsayers, either. I feel that we are climbing steadily in the polls and that we are approaching an unbeatable majority of potential voters. I say “feel” because, as you’re probably aware, I can’t really afford any polling, nor any other of the cheap doo-dads of politics. But nevertheless, I have a very strong sensation that voters are scrambling to jump on board the Dubro bandwagon, especially in the swing states of Utah, Oklahoma and Alberta, or some such places I would never visit. But it’s no affront to the fine people of wherever, because as I promised I will not do anything that would indicate a pandering to the voters—and that includes visiting or listening to them. For some, that would indicate closed-mindedness, or a cavalier disregard for the opinions of others, but to me that indicates principles. As a few of my friends will attest, I am, if nothing else, a man of strong principles. I will not tell you what they are, because that would mean I am trying to get your vote. And I would never stoop that low. That will never happen at Dubro For President headquarters. Here, there is just me, my towering intellect and my collection of Allen Drury novels to guide my campaign. I remain above the fray yet I think I can say that I have a deep attachment for the struggles of “the little man.” Occasionally, I will walk outside—wearing a nylon stocking over my head to avoid the stares that go with any presidential campaign. And I will see people bowed down by their boring, unpleasant and probably tasteless little lives, and I think, thank God that hasn’t happened to me. And yet I feel some sympathy for them, and it reassures me that I will be not merely a good, but a great president. Not great in the Jimmy Carter fashion, but great like William McKinley or Placido Domingo. I know it and I am drawn along by this vision. Unlike our current president, I do not claim a mandate from God. I am my own Higher Power, and I receive my orders directly from me. No newspapers, no discussions, no internet nonsense. Right from the brain. Oh, well, that’s enough from here. I hope that you are all with me because those who don’t vote for me will undoubtedly feel a profound sense of loss, like the imperceptible fleeing of youth and happiness. But for those who do give me their sacred vote, they will be part of a great adventure in government. One sentient being, one vote! And I thank you.
© The Washington Pox 2003 |