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CAPTURE OSAMA BIN LADEN’S DOG |
Bin Laden and His Dog Jee-Had High In The Hindu Kush Mountains By Rogan Josh AB GACH, AFGHANISTAN, December 18 – Colonel Cleburne McGuire announced today that members of his 10th Special Forces Group, “Nearly had Osama bin Laden’s dog, Jee-Had, in their grasp.” Three platoons from the 10th have been scouring this area of the Hindu Kush, looking for the elusive bin Laden, and for Jee-Had, his “supernaturally smart collie.” McGuire told The Pox that Bin Laden’s dog was possessed of a “keen sense of smell, and, believe it or not, he can hear things my men can’t hear.” Two members of the 10th told this reporter that during Operation Moutain Canine, they had Jee-Had cornered in a rocky canyon, but, said Sgt. Wilfus Phrean, “the darned dog just ran right up the hill quickern’ that.” According to Special Forces intelligence units, it is Jee-Had who actually plans Bin Laden’s operations. One intel Spec. 4 said, off the record, that the dog has actually traveled extensively throughout Western Europe scouting “soft targets.” But now, Jee-Had is in hiding “somewhere in this area.” Colonel McGuire said, “Sooner or later we will catch Jee-had…and Bin Laden, too. But it looks like we may just have to get a dog of our own.”
FAMILY MEMBERS STEP FORWARD Cheung Kwok-Wing’s Family Are All Descendants Of The Late Senator Strom Thurmond By Immaculata Chinoto COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA, December 19 – Following the surprise announcement that the late Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina was indeed the father of African-American Essie Mae Washington, more people have come forward to claim that they, too, are the racist senator’s offspring. Cheung Kwok-Wing of Wuzhou, China, for instance, says that she has DNA proof that Thurmond had a brief liaison with her mother in Hong Kong in the early 1950s. As a result, she says, the Senator has now more than 50 descendants in and around Wuzhou. “Strom,” she said, “is now a very common name in these parts.” Meanwhile, in Brazil, the town of Caboto has voted to change its name to “Peckerwood,” after the Senator. “Most everyone here,” said mayor Antonio Pereira, “remembers when Strom used to stop by and father, oh, five or six babies a visit. It’s quite an honor to be South Carolinians…if only by marriage.” While the Thurmond family has reluctantly accepted most of these claims as true, family attorney J. Mark Taylor says he draws the line at the claim of newly-chosen Azerbaijani President Ilham Aliyev. “That man,” said Taylor, “wants child support for every Azeri over the age of 12, saying that the Senator ‘probably’ was their father. I think we might fight this one.” |
  By Alec Dubro WASHINGTON, December 14 – Many of you—well, two—have written to me lately, and although you have failed to use the correct form of “Dear Leader,” I would like to address your concerns. Not that I’m terribly moved by your pain, but, this being America, I’m afraid that if I don’t do something, you’ll sue me. So, here’s my answer: yes, Christmas matters, and plenty. And no, The Pox will not back your plan to abolish religion, gift-giving and expressions of false solicitude. We are unmoved by your accusations of hypocrisy, greed and gluttony. To you those are sins, but to many of us that’s tradition. But since you asked, let me answer a few of your trumped-up charges: 1. There’s No Evidence Jesus Existed. Absolutely false. Do you think that millions of people would hang up pictures of absolutely nobody? Somebody had to sit for those portraits, and who are you to say it wasn’t Jesus. And if historical evidence is such a big deal, what about Sylvester Stallone? No one has ever seen him, either, at least in the last 15 years. I rest my case. 2. Christmas Encourages Excess, Especially Among Kids. Well, la-di-da. How many pairs of shoes do you have? If it’s more than one, then you’re about excess, too. And, I happen to know that if you're a kid and want, say, the Yu-Gi-Oh! Legacy of Darkness Booster 5-Pack, then you also need the Yu-Gi-Oh! Dark Crisis Booster 5-Pack and the Yu-Gi-Oh! Labyrinth of Nightmare 36-Pack. Is that excess, or is it sufficiency? I say the latter. 3. Christmas Is A Time Of Drunkenness, Overdoses, Car Accidents, Adultery and Abuse. Statistically, yes, you’re right, but you must be one of those people who would have us work, work, work all the time. There must also be a time for frippery. So, come in out of the cold and enjoy the season, you ol’ grump, you. And so, we at The Pox say, “Let’s put the X back in Xmas and get it over with.” See you in January.
© The Washington Pox 2003 |