 |
BUSH ORDERS INVASION OF MARS |
|
By Yosh Schmengy WASHINGTON, January 8 – After viewing photos sent back from NASA’s Mars probe Spirit, President Bush asked Congress to grant him full powers to invade the red planet. “I have seen,” he told an emergency joint session of Congress, “what our experts identify as weapons of mass destruction. And, we have reason to believe that Mars is the long-sought hiding place of fugitive terrorist Osama bin Laden.” Bush blamed the CIA for not thinking of Mars sooner. “Anyone who sees these pictures will notice the similarity between that planet and vast sections of the Middle East—particularly Yemen, the ancestral home of the bin Laden family.” Bush called for the creation of an Department of Interplanetary Terrorism to be headed by Paul Wolfowitz who, said Bush, “is no stranger to airless voids and stuff.” He also asked that Wolfowitz be assisted by Captain Jean Luc Picard, formerly of the Starship Enterprise. Later today, however, Mars mission chief scientist Steven Squyres openly questioned Bush’s rush to war. “When we downloaded those photos,” said a perplexed Squyers, “there were no Arabs or bombs or anything like that. I find this very strange.”
OF INSTABILITY AS WAR GRINDS ON 
Bush Speaking At The National Root Vegetable Growers Association By Chlorine Halogen WASHINGTON, January 5 – Following Bush’s second public appearance wearing a giant carrot, mental health professionals expressed concern that president Bush may be experiencing the first symptoms of a serious breakdown. According to Dr. Delmar Breechbolt of the Plangent Clinic in Harrisburg, PA, “It’s not unusual for people in the first stages of breakdown to pay less attention to their appearance. But less often do they appear in vegetable garb. I think the American public has a right to be worried.” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan brushed off reporters’ questions as overly critical. “If the President wants to wear, say, a flight suit one day and a root vegetable the next,” he said, “that’s his right as an American. It’s no reflection on his stability.” |
  By Alec Dubro When I began this two-month quest for the Democratic presidential nomination, I stood firmly on a platform of parsimony and lassitude. I believed that the country is best served by a nominee who won’t sully his hands with money, and who refuses to beg for people’s votes. I also thought that a liberal display of overt probity was in order. I now admit the error of my thinking. While my campaign foundered, I watched as that of the Reverend Al Sharpton bolted ahead. I was not invited to the debates or pancake breakfasts, but Al was. I wrote treatises on the wages of sin while the so-called reverend spent thousands he didn’t have and stayed in luxury hotels. He was wrong and I was right, but it was Al Shaprton who was invited to host Saturday Night Live, not Alec Dubro. It takes a strong man to change course, and that is what I intend to do. From this moment forward, I will accept your donations—hard money, soft money, dirty money, laundered money, whatever. Whatever scruples I retain, whatever reluctance I harbor, I will not let that stand between me and your faith in me, as long as it is evidenced by a generous helping of cash. I want you now to feel free to give, and give often, to my newly-established campaign organization, www.AlecMoveOn.org. Run by eager young “techies” in their 20s who will simply not accept anything above minimum wage, AlecMoveOn is a shoestring operation that promises to fill my coffers to overflowing. And with that money, I will be able to do what I so long resisted—beg for your vote. I intend to flood the airwaves with duplicitous assaults on the other candidates, and with barrages of irrelevant half-truths that will distort my positions and conveniently deny any statements I made that might alienate any potential voters. In short, I will do anything to get your vote. There, I told the truth again. I just can’t help myself. Even when I plan a campaign of deceit, I’m still more honest than anyone running for president—even Joe Lieberman, even Al Sharpton. So, why don’t you just haul out that credit card and give until it hurts. And then, vote, vote, vote for me, me, me. I thank you.
© The Washington Pox 2004 |