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MOUNTS DOGGED FIGHT AGAINST SPECIAL INTERESTS |
Kerry's Ears In A Flap As He Inveighs Against Entrenched Wealth By Political Correspondent CHARLESTON, S.C., February 1 – Fresh from his stunning come-from-behind victories in Iowa and new Hampshire, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry launched a savage pit-bull-like attack on what he terms the “special interest rich.” “I think it’s just disgraceful,” Kerry told a crowd here, “that some people live in the lap of luxury, while too many of us are still digging for bones in the backyard.” When one reporter noted that Kerry himself was born rich and now has more money than several small nations, Kerry replied, “it’s ridiculous to think that money would affect my thinking. After all, I’m a thoroughbred.” With the Democratic nomination within reach, Kerry has been baying for votes in the next set of primary states. “I really think I could wind up best in show in this round,” Kerry told reporters, “I sure hope I don’t wind up in the doghouse.”
HOUSTON RESIDENTS FEARED DEAD OF SUPERBOWL FEVER 
Some of the Superbowl Fatalities In Houston Suburb of Pasadena By Biff Drunge HOUSTON, February 1 – Once sought-after Superbowl Fever raged wildly out of control today in the Big Game host city, killing thousands and sending many more to overburdened hospitals. “This is the worst natural disaster to hit Texas,” said Houston Public Health Commissioner Robert “Pete” Tweezner, “since the Swine Flu epidemic of ‘84.” Officials at the Centers for Disease Control have long speculated that Superbowl Fever could turn deadly. “This was an epidemic in the making,” said CDC chief Julie Gerberding. “While Superbowl Fever used to result in no more than temporary drunkenness and loss of faculties, we always knew that it had the capacity to mutate into something more serious. But we never thought it would turn out like this.” Meanwhile National Football League President Paul Tagliabue tried to put a positive spin on the tragedy. “We had warned people that professional football is more than a game,” he said, “it’s a matter of life and death.” ESPN reported that Miami, Atlanta and San Diego have all withdrawn their bids to host the 2005 game. |
 PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ZION  Gibson Telling Jesus What To Do LOS ANGELES, January 25 – With his Jesus biopic, The Passion of Christ, set to open next month, actor-director Mel Gibson has his eye set on an even more difficult story. He’s optioned the enduring folk tale, The Protocols Of The Learned Elders Of Zion. Gibson, an ultra-orthodox Catholic, said that after his problems with The Passion of Christ, he was happy to move on to something less controversial. “There’s no chance that any liberal groups will find this story anti-Semitic,” he said today at his office in the newly-opened Torquemada Center. But film critic Josh Rumford of Daily Variety disagreed. “The Protocols is a vicious lie concocted by the Czar’s secret police to turn public anger against the Jews,” he said. “Only an idiot would try to make a movie of it.” But Gibson brushed off any criticism of his new project. “The Pope’s behind me on this one,” he said, “besides, we’ll be as accurate as possible. And anyway, no one will notice -- the whole thing will be in Russian.”
 OSCAR NOMINEE SEAN PENN LOS ANGELES, January 29 – Sean Penn admitted today what Hollywood rumors have long suspected – that he’s really, really dumb. “I have to tell you,” he said, “that I don’t play a lot of dim characters for nothing. That’s the real me. I can barely tie my own shoelaces.” Consequently, Penn will not be attending the February 29 awards at the Kodak Center in Los Angeles. “He’s afraid that if he won,” said his publicist, “he would just say something stupid, like talking for hours about his trip to Iraq. So, he’s staying home.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |