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“NATIONAL OBSESSION WITH HALF-NAKED NEGRESSES” |
Attorney General John Ashcroft At Department of Justice HQ By Pox Nakedness Correspondent WASHINGTON, February 11 – Concerned that Americans are spending too much time thinking about the breasts of black women, Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered an independent investigation into the obsession. “I understand,” he said at a press conference here today, “that there was some sort of incident at the Super Bowl involving a half-naked negress and a white man. Those people, and the Jews who run Hollywood, should be punished.” But Ashcroft said he was far more concerned with the kind of thinking that made such an incident appealing. “I have been aware,” he said, “that too many Americans spend too much time thinking about female upper torsos. And when you add the dimension of negritude, you get a real oil-burner of an obsession.” While Ashcroft denied that he himself suffered from such a fixation, “I have a number of friends and neighbors who have been felled by it.” The bi-partisan investigation, said Ashcroft, will be headed by former President Bill Clinton and Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas. “I expect,” he said, “that they’ll get to the bottom of this.”
MARRIAGE SOLELY AS “ONE MAN, ONE GOAT” 
Eugene Splutter’s Marriage To Daisy And Winkle Would Be Overturned By The New Kansas Law By Benedict Hockfleisch TOPEKA, KS, February 14 – In a rare Valentine’s Day session, the Kansas state legislature sought to protect the institution of rural marriage. “It’s time,” said State Senator Byron Crudwich (R-Brackish Valley), “to protect the institution of marriage as we know it. The practice of polygoatal coupling has begun undermine all that we hold dear.” The state was jolted by the 2003 showing of The Love Goat on the Style Channel, which featured several Kansas multi-goat families. A legislative committee investigated and released the Angora Report in early 2004, which detailed the extent of plural-goatism, and a coalition of church and political leaders immediately demanded that government put an end to the practice. “It’s clear,” said Reverend Cletis Smallbore of the Second Lotharian Church, “that God intended marriage to be between one man and one goat. If he had wanted a man to marry a whole flock, he would have said so.” But one group, Friends and Families of Multi-goaters said they plan to challenge the proposed law. “Times have changed,” said spokesman Jimmy Buggerino, father of a polygoat son, “and it’s time the laws changed along with them. Multi-goaters work, pay taxes, and contribute. The only thing different about them is they marry goats – lots of them.” |
 RECUUUUSE ME  During Oral Arguments Supreme Court Judge Antonin Scalia has been creating concern among his colleagues on the bench lately. According to one law clerk, “During discussions, Tony will get this strange look in his eye, jump up and yell, ‘Well, recuuuuse me.’ And he doesn’t just do it once.” Scalia is well known for his practical jokes such as upholding death sentences in shoplifting cases and ordering environmental groups to engage in strip mining. But until recently, he confined his humor to case law. Now, however, it is his personal behavior that is the subject of consternation. “Last month,” said one attorney, “Scalia showed up in a Dracula costume. Now, he’s recycling old Steve Martin routines. Where will it end?”
Asked if Clark was planning a coup, the aide said, “Oh no. He’s just going to put together his own army, along the lines of, say, the Rough Riders or the Brownshirts. Maybe they’ll march on Washington, but they may settle for taking over a state or two.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |