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SPECIAL PASSION O' THE CHRIST ISSUEBUT ONLY FOR THREE DAYS.” |
A Contrite Group of JewsFinally Admit Their Guilt By Louise Pontoon GENEVA, February 27 – When faced the factual evidence presented in Mel Gibson’s documentary, The Passion of The Christ, the Council for World Jewry admitted today that the Jews had, indeed, killed Christ. Council spokesman Samuel Shreiber told reporters here today that, “We should have come out and admitted it 2000 years ago, but, well, we were scared. Unfortunately, this Gibson found some rare footage that proves we did it, and we felt that it’s time to fess up.” Shreiber, however, offered a spirited defense as well. “We still don’t think it was murder, exactly,” he said. “When you murder someone, it’s assumed that he’ll stay dead. This guy, after three days, gets up and walks away. That’s not murder. On Law and Order, it wouldn’t even be manslaughter. But OK, we're guilty...of something.” Other Jews weren’t so sure an apology was in order. “OK, maybe one of us did kill him,” said David Levins of Tarzana, California, “but if we hadn’t they wouldn’t have a religion. They won, not us.”
THROUGHOUT U.S., SHOUTING “ROMANS KILLED JESUS” 
After Watching Mel Gibson’s The Passion, Mobs Attacked Italians Like These By Immaculata Chinoto NEW YORK, February 27 – “We had warned the authorities about this,” said Italian-American leader Guillermo “Bill” Angelini, “but they allowed Gibson to show his anti-Italian movie anyway. And now our people have paid the price in property and lives.” There has been widespread rioting aimed at the Italian descendants of Romans. In most major cities with a visible Italian community, mobs attacked Italians, setting fire to their pushcarts, salumerias, and gelaterias. Gibson’s film, The Passion of the Christ, has a strong undercurrent of anti-Italianism, appearing to blame the crucifixion on Romans and, by extension, all Italians. Gibson denied it, but the results seem to speak for themselves. In New York, Christian mobs swarmed out of Midtown multiplexes and marched downtown to Little Italy, where they engaged in an orgy of burning, looting and attacking Italians with crucifixes and brochures from the movie. Italians fled to the safety of nearby Jewish neighborhoods. One survivor told police, “This is like the pogrominis we suffered in Europe. When are they going to stop blaming us for something that happened 2000 years ago?” |
IF YOU WON’T SUPPORT ME,  By Alec Dubro When I entered the race for the Democratic candidacy, I believed I offered something that no one else had: a clean slate. I’m neither bought nor sold. I have no preconceived ideas and I’m not in thrall to anyone or any ideology. I’m the only candidate offering nothing but probity. You can take your John Kerry and your John Edwards, your Al Sharpton and Dennis What’s His Name. Ideas, answers, policies, positions. All of them. Whatever happens, they have an idea for it. I don’t. I say just take each day as it comes. But apparently the voters don’t want my position. I’m willing to look at my total lack of delegates – to say nothing of my total lack of votes – as a repudiation of my all-character platform. And I’m dropping out of the race, you spineless, unimaginative ingrates. Well, if it’s answers you want, then I’ve got the candidate for you -- Ralph Nader. The guy’s got answers for everything. He knows how much mileage your car should get. What dose of drugs you should take. How much fat you should put in your cheese. Everything. So, if you want a president who’ll tell you exactly how to live your life, then vote for Ralph. But, don’t come running back to me when your entire life is regulated. OK, I’m over it now. I vented. I was just kidding. Ralph’s a great guy. Vote for him. Otherwise you’ll wind up with the homicidal doofus in the White House or some Democrat bleating about special interests who will do everything Bush does except let you marry anyone you want. Or, you could convince me to come back into the race. I’m still the best there is.
© The Washington Pox 2003 |