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STOP BLOWING UP SPAIN OR WE’LL BE FORCED TO INVADE IRAQ AGAIN! |
President Bush on the Phone toSome Guy at Al-Qaeda By Peter Pestle WASHINGTON, March 13 – President George W. Bush was mad. “He’s good and steamed,” said National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice yesterday, “mad that Al-Qaeda blew up things in Madrid – a city he once read about – and he decided to take some decisive action.” Later that day, the Bush took the unprecedented step of phoning Al-Qaeda headquarters in Dar-i-Noor, Afghanistan and giving the terrorist group a piece of his mind. “I read them the riot act,” Bush told a press conference today. “I got some guy on the blower and I really told him off. I said, ‘who the hell do you think you are?’ Those were my exact words. And he got all huffy, but I wasn’t going to back down. “So I said, ‘Ali, or whatever your name is, you better just knock off bombing people who look like Americans, or we’ll invade Iraq again. And this time, we’ll finish the job.’ That’s what I said word-for-word verbatim.” Bush revealed that this time if he invaded Iraq, "We'll invade every inch of it, WMDs or no WMDs." What caused the usually restrained President Bush to threaten a complete stranger? “This time it was personal,” said Bush. “These Qaedas hit Spain and the next thing you know, they lose the election for my friend what’s-his-name. And I told myself, ‘This time they’ve gone too far’.”
THOMAS FRIEDMAN REPLACED BY INDIAN “FRIEDMAN” 
Columnist Thomas Friedman’s Name HasBeen Given To Kuldip Nayyar (Right) By Jose Moribundo NEW YORK, March 12 – New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman returned from a trip to India yesterday to find that he was out of a job. Times Executive Editor Bill Keller told Friedman that he had to clean out his desk and turn in his name by the end of the day. Friedman’s name and column was reassigned to veteran Indian journalist Kuldip Nayyar, a longtime columnist for the prestigious Times of India. Keller told The Pox, “Friedman has been touting free trade for a long time. Finally, we looked into it and he was right – we could get somebody in India to write the Friedman column for one-tenth what this guy has been pulling down.” Asked if the new Thomas Friedman was as good as the old, Keller said, “So what if he’s not quite as good. He’s good enough, and he’ll work longer hours. “Friedman made a bit of a scene when I told him. He said that he had been born with that name and that it was his. But I told him that there were plenty of Thomas Friedmans in this town and that he never copyrighted it anyway.” The new Thomas Friedman column begins next Saturday. |
 The Conservative Legal Foundation announced today that right-wing groups around the country are planning a host of constitutional amendments. According to CLF spokesman Purvis De Hoot, “In strategizing for the anti gay marriage amendment, we found that there’s a lot of things that tick off conservatives. And we’ve decided to do something about it before this country really goes all to hell and whatever.” De Hoot said that at the moment there were nine amendments in the works, “but there could be a lot more if we think of them.” Right now, these are: End Zoning In America Always Low Taxes…Always Abolition Of Parking Meters Nothing But Snowmobiles In Yellowstone Capital Punishment For The Hell Of It Gentile Control Of Hollywood NASCAR In Every City English-Only Here...And Everywhere Else No Off-Season NBA Trades Without Telling Us
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