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Heavy Murrain, Occasional Brimstone Showers |
“UNDEAD VICTIMS OF VIOLENCE ACT” EXTENDS LEGAL STATUS TO ZOMBIES |
A Delegation Of The Undead Leaving Capitol Hill
By Tyvek Pravachol WASHINGTON, March 25 – “For too long,” said Senator Mike DeWine (R-OH) “we have denied legal protections to undead Americans. This bill adds strong new sanctions against violence directed at zombies, ghouls and other undead persons.” The Undead Victims of Violence Act also extends protections to film representations of the undead. “Dawn of The Dead,” said DeWine, “is just the latest in a series of movies that treat the undead as something less than human, something we can freely attack or even re-kill because of their heretofore legal limbo. No longer. Let this be a warning to zombie-killing directors like Zack Snyder, or his spiritual godfather George Romero.”  Dead-To-Rights Movement Leader Rev. James Deadson Leaders of the Dead-To-Rights movement were exultant. “We’ve been waiting a long time for this,” said Reverend James Deadson of Operation Reanimation. “For years we’ve been shot, decapitated and reburied with impunity – especially in the movies. But now we have the same protections as the so-called living.” President Bush has said he will sign the new law as soon as it crosses his desk.
AND BE SURE TO WATCH |
 Today baseball stepped up to the plate. Acting Commissioner-For-Life Bud Selig, in response to the President’s State of the Union address, issued a ruling banning players from using Wheaties. Said Selig: “This so-called ‘breakfast of champions’ designer cereal has been found to contain genetically modified wheat. It is baseball’s responsibility to halt the spread of performance-enhancing substances. We have made the hard but correct choice. We are also investigating what’s ‘special’ in Special K, and determining whether there is anything irregular about All-Bran. As caretakers of baseball, the national trust, we, at least, take the President seriously.” In response to the commisioner’s statement, speaking for the ABC (Alliance of Breakfast Cereals) retired General Mills decried the singling out of his industry for scrutiny. “Why,” he asked, “don’t they, for instance, take a look at Gatorade? It’s in every dugout, it comes in the weirdest colors, and nobody knows what’s in it.” Speaking for the players’ union, Pokey Reese affirmed the commisioner’s sentiments, noting that in return for their support for the ban, players would be allowed to cork their bats. “That way,” noted Reese, “we can still put up the power numbers. The fans, and our agents, will be happy.”
1. The Yankees will finish at or near the top in the American League East. 2. The National League batting champ will be some guy with ez at the end of his last name. 3. The Minnesota Twins will be separated. 4. The Montreal Expos will trade everybody. 5. Somebody will be compared to Sandy Koufax. 6. The Chicago Cubs will lose.
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
