"No More Trick Questions,” Bush Screamed,
Then Squeezed Off A Burst Of Fire.
By Maria Teresa Spermatazoa
WASHINGTON, April 14 – The Washington press corps is in shock today, preparing to bury three of its members, after President George W. Bush opened fire at last night’s press conference at the White House.
According to White House Correspondent’s Association Chair Larry Musgrove, “We’re used to taking abuse from the administration, but this is unprecedented. We think that the President crossed the line last night, and that his behavior is totally unacceptable.”
Bush had been fielding a series of mildly challenging questions about Iraq, when Sue-Ellen Catarrh of the Aristook, Maine Potato News-Forecast took another tack. “Mr. President,” she asked, “can you name any successes you’ve had in your presidency?”
The President appeared to falter and grasp for words, then reached under the podium, brought out a mini-Uzi automatic pistol. “That’s it,” he screamed, “no more (expletive) trick questions.” He aimed in Catarrh’s direction and opened fire. When he finished, three, including Catarrh, lay dead and four were wounded.
Then White House press secretary Scott Mclellan stepped in and said, “I think that ends today’s conference.”
There were immediate calls for the President’s resignation, but Supreme Court Judge Antonin Scalia quickly ruled that Bush had acted within his purview. Bush himself issued a brief statement in which he apologized for “losing his temper,” but he blamed it on the fact that “they asked me too many questions.” He made no mention of the deadly barrage.
SHARON’S LATEST OFFER
TO PALESTINIANS
INCLUDES “FORTY ACRES
AND A WAL-MART”
By Lawrence Steinstein
JERUSALEM, April 16 – Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon sweetened the pot today for millions of Palestinians by offering them a major retail outlet, as well as some land “somewhere I don’t like.”
“I am making an extraordinary proposal to our Palestinian brethren,” he said from inside his fortified office, “despite the fact that they are terrorists and worse. We will give them – no liens, no encumbrances, no money down – 40 acres, as well as a brand-spanking new Wal-Mart. And if they’re good, they may get a Sam’s Club as well.”
Even the most jaded and virulent Palestinian rejectionists were stunned by the magnanimity of Sharon’s offer. Suicide bomb planner Nasim Abu-Rous told The Pox, “I cannot believe my ears. Not only will we get land upon which we can build gated communities, but we will have our own Wal-Mart wherein we can purchase cheap Chinese-made goods. It is truly a miracle.”
U.S. President George W. Bush was quick to support Sharon’s plan which he quickly dubbed The Access Road to Peace. “I think this proves that Prime Minister Sharon is,” he told reporters, “as I have always said, a man of peace…like me.”
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WHAT WASHINGTON IS
READING THESE DAYS
Compiled By Pox Literary Editor
Elucidata Spondee
RIGHT-WING BESTSELLERS
Concealed Intellect: Ronald Reagan and His Really Big Brain, by Knish Kazooza. “The man was truly a genius,” says the feisty token Subcontinental. “Beneath that vinyl siding lay one of the most brilliant political minds since Fess Parker.”
Hell on Earth, by Robert Dork. Judicial activism has savaged civilization and left it a hopeless smoking ruin. “There were simply no problems before the Miranda ruling...none,” writes the erudite Dork.
Fatter Knows Best, by Rushdie Limbaugh. Drug-addled radio blabmeister calls for a strict Islamic republic run by puffy white guys. “In ours though,” he says, “girls will have to go around stark naked.”
Protocols of the Elders of Cedarhurst, by Pat Robberbaron. The world’s finances are manipulated by a cabal of long-nosed men who look like, sound like and talk like Jews, claims TV evangelist. “But we’re certainly not implying that they’re Jewish,” he adds.
How The French Ruined Civilization, by Sean Flattery. Fox TV host details the way that “those froggy bastards have spoiled things for real men.”
LEFT-WING BESTSELLERS
You Lying Right-Wing Sons of Bitches, by Hal Franken-Stein. Deeply amusing yet humorous look at the ways in which Republicans never tell the truth and carry out the dictates of the anti-Christ.
The Wealth of the Rich, by Joshua Isaac Abraham. After 14 years of scholarly research, MacArthur prize winner proves beyond doubt that the rich have more money than the poor—lots more.
The Politics of Meanies, by Rabbi Michael Learned. Drawing from his immense learning in sociology, reform Judaism and sociology, Dr. Learned creates a whole new way of standing up to meanies.
The Death Throes of Capitalism, by Milton Keynes, Ph.D. “It can’t last much longer,” says tenured college prof who’s got the documents to prove it.
The End of Everything, by Darwin Pewter. Terrified, sensitive journalist discovers that science is out of control, the atmosphere is heating up, glaciers are melting and that someday each and every one of us will die.
© The Washington Pox 2003
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