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BUSH PROPOSES TO RE-INVADE NORMANDY |
“We Know Exactly How To Do This One,” Bush Told Reporters.
By Bob Woodwind WASHINGTON, June 1 – Inspired by the success of D-Day, President George W. Bush told astonished reporters today that he has ordered the U.S. military to prepare for a re-invasion of France “exactly like we did in 1944.” Admitting that the invasion of Iraq has “not gone quite the way we hoped,” Bush said that he still had great faith in America’s ability to “invade and democratize other countries.” France, he said, was “ripe for invasion.” When asked how he had picked France, Bush said that not only were the French “not with us,” but that “we have reports that France is teeming with Muslims, many of whom hate America.” The President outlined Operation Camembert, during which the United States and its ally, Britain, would bomb Paris, soften up the Normandy coast and then launch a massive amphibian assault. “And,” said Bush, “it’ll be a lot easier than last time because now they’re not expecting it.” Following the invasion and occupation, Bush said he hoped to “teach the French about freedom and democracy.” However, he noted that tensions between the Normans, Gascons and Alsatians “may make forming a ruling council difficult.” He said he hoped to begin the invasion, “sometime between the Republican convention and the election.”
 IRAQI TROOPS SURROUND HOLY CITY OF LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA AS REBELS FIGHT ON
Jheri Al-Falwell (Inset) Attack Blue-clad Iraqis By Jennifer Troll LYNCHBURG, VA, May 31 – Fighting continued to rage in the holy Virginia city of Lynchburg today as troops loyal to the radical Baptist cleric Jheri Al-Falwell repulsed an attempt by Iraqi regulars to capture the city. Iraq’s civil administrator for Virginia, Musadi Bremer, told The Pox, “al-Falwell is a firebrand with a small fanatical following. He does not have the allegiance of the Baptist mainstream.” Nonetheless, al-Falwell’s insurgents seem to be well-armed and sheltered by many residents of this ancient city on the banks of the James River. An al-Falwell spokesman said, “We are ready, God willing, for the Iraqi infidels, and we will help their passage into hell.” Meanwhile in the capital city of Richmond, three SUV bombs rocked the business district causing numerous casualties. “This is getting to be a daily occurrence,” said one Iraqi occupation officer. |
MAYOR PROPOSES
Washington Mayor Anthony Williams is hoping to capitalize on the massive building of security fences in the nation’s capital. “I am particularly impressed with the huge number of bollards being installed in front of so many public buildings,” he said. As a result, Williams will propose to the City Council that the District of Columbia change its motto to “Washington: City of Bollards.” Council member David Catania, though, opposes the move. “Bollards are so, well, inanimate,” he said, “I’d prefer we were called, ‘Washington: Home of the 17 Year Cicada’.” A vote is scheduled for August.
CAUSE DC RESIDENTS TO PAY MORE FOR GAS As crude oil prices have shot to $40 a barrel and beyond, motorists in the Washington, D.C. area have seen the rise reflected in prices they pay at the pump. “This is ridiculous,” said Toyletia Robinson of Capital Heights, Maryland, “the higher the price gets, the more I pay. Can’t they do something about it?” Some consumers have figured that at $2 a gallon, they are paying twice as much as when gas cost $1 a gallon, and that, said Matt Sturgel of Arlington, Virginia “is criminal. We should be investigating the oil companies.” Asked if the high prices would make him cut back his driving, Sturgel asked, “Then how would I get to where I’m going?”
LOOKING FOR "REAL LOSER" BASEBALL TEAM With the Washington area in the running for a major league baseball team, a group of interested business people have launched a search for a “really bad, losing, uninspiring team,” said spokesman Barbara Gulp. The group said that they had surveyed the rest of Washington’s professional sports teams and found that the local football, hockey and basketball franchises are perennial bottom-dwellers. “The Capitals and the Wizards,” said Gulp, “are so bad that they never make the playoffs, and frankly any team with a pulse can make the NBA and NHL playoffs.” They concluded that Washingtonians would be put off by a winning team, and would be more likely to support a baseball team that “hasn’t a prayer.” The search has begun in Montreal, but the group is willing to construct a new team “out of has-beens, never-weres and just plain talentless wrecks.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
Bollards