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Bush Showing Properly Killed People
By Pell Grant Washington, June 23 – President George W. Bush today condemned Iraqi insurgents, calling them, “Freedom-hating terrorists who cut people’s heads off and then go on television and talk about it like it’s something cool. Well, it’s not.” Bush went on to praise American forces who, he said, “never stoop to head-cutting and the like. Americans confine their killing mainly to shooting and, especially, blowing people up. This is how Democratic nations conduct themselves.” He pointed out that not only is head-removal barbaric, but, “it’s a time-consuming, messy procedure that just gets people mad.” Blowing people up, he said, demonstrates economies of scale, “something that comes with the free-market system.” As proof he compared body counts. Over the past months, he said, “terrorists have only head-cut three or four victims. We, on the other hand, have, as of June, 2004, blown up between 9,436 and 11,317 Iraqi civilians. That’s quite a difference.” Moreover, he said, every time Iraqis cut heads, “it’s splashed all over the front page. When we blow people up, it’s at most a column under the fold, usually though it’s buried on some page in the international section.”
 REAGAN RISES FROM DEAD, |
VS. EUROPE
 In Europe, Michael Moore’s Bush biopic, Fahrenheit 9-11 is known as Celsius 488.3333333333333, causing theater distributors to alter the title to Celsius 488 etc. Moore is incensed, calling it “an abridgement of title and censorship of the worst kind.” He promises that his next flick will “blow the lid off the whole corrupt metric system.”
FOR MIKULSKI  Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulski mistakenly went on the Watkins Low-Crab Diet last month. The pint-sized legislator thought she could shed a few pounds, aides told us, but she read the wrong website, one which touted a lo-crab, not the more popular Atkins lo-carb diet. “I thought,” she told The Pox, “that this was the miracle thing everyone was talking about, but I guess not. I didn’t lose an ounce.” Why had a Senator whose state includes crab-laden Chesapeake Bay go on such a diet in the first place? “You know,” she confided, “this’ll get me in trouble with the state’s voters, but I never liked the ugly little things anyway.”
 Vermont’s socialist-independent congressman, Bernie Sanders, is telling everyone that’s he’s got the Democratic V.P. nomination “in the bag.” The 63 year old former Brooklynite has waged a low-visibility campaign for the second spot ever since his presidential bid was thwarted by a lack of ambition. “Some Vermont guys,” he said, “you know, hairy back-to-the-land types, wanted me to run for president. But all they could come up with was about $600 and a slogan that said, ‘Bernie, He’s Mostly OK’ so I let it slide. But vice president, that’s my kind of job.” Sanders says he’s the best pick for Kerry’s V.P. because he brings balance to the ticket. “I’m, you know, Vermont and Kerry,” said Sanders, “well, he’s Massachusetts. That’s a big difference. Plus, he’s capitalist and I’m socialist. I think that’s the perfect balance, don’t you?”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
