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"I ABANDONED 85 PERCENT OF MY PRINCPLES FOR JUST ONE HUG FROM GEORGE" |
The Special Card John McCain ReceivedFrom His New Friend, George W. Bush By A.B. Negative PHOENIX, AZ, July 7 – In a tearful interview today, Senator John McCain told The Washington Pox that he had for years longed for the reassuring touch of President George W. Bush, but that “I was too egotistical to ask for it.” McCain realized that if he wanted Bush to love him as he loved Bush, then he would have to “drop all the high principles and get right with the program.” And that’s just what he did. “I knew that George wouldn’t love me until I ceased objecting to the way the war was being run,” he told The Pox, “but that was only part of it. I also had to stop complaining about him running up huge deficits and handing out favors to his rich friends. In fact, I had to get off my high horse altogether.” Was there anything that he and Bush actually had agreed upon? “Well,” he said, “I think we were in agreement about unions. We don’t like ‘em.” McCain, no longer the loose cannon of the Republican Party, got his reward: he was publicly hugged by the President. “And,” said McCain, “if I just keep my mouth shut, Bush told me, I can expect more hugs like that at the convention in New York.” The Arizona Senator confided that he hoped he and Bush would be able to take “a little quality time together, maybe at Camp David. I’m all a-tither.”
 ISRAEL TO SOFTEN LOOK |
OFTEN ASKED IF HE’S THE LATE JOHN RITTER
 Even as he tries to make his message known to the nation’s voters, Senator John Edwards (D-NC) is dogged by his stunning resemblance to comic actor John Ritter. Edwards, who until recently had no idea who Ritter was, is working furiously to dispel the rumors that he either is Ritter, or is channeling Ritter’s dippy 1970s comedy success, Three’s Company. “I have a serious message about the two Americas,” Edwards told The Pox, “and all people want to know is whether I liked Janet or Chrissy better, and whether Stanley Roper really was as mean as he acted. How the hell do I know?”
DISLOCATES FACE  Presidential contender John Kerry was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital yesterday with what a hospital spokesman called “a badly dislocated lower facial-maxilla region.” Kerry aide Mike Hanlon told reporters that on the advice of media advisors, Kerry had been practicing smiling, but that it “got out of hand.” Kerry apparently tried a 60 watt smile, when all he had been able to muster previously was a pretty dim grin. The result was a twisted freeze-up and, now, some face rest and physical therapy. The campaign has decided, then, to leave the smiling to professionals like John Edwards.
“MOST BAGDAD VOTERS SUPPORT BUSH”  Republican National Committee Chair Ed Gillespie told Washington reporters that recent polls concluded that the “vast majority” of Baghdad’s three million voters will be voting for President George W. Bush this year. Gillespie said that under the terms of the handover to the new Iraqi government, Baghdad residents get to vote in either U.S. or Iraqi elections, and that almost all have concluded that the Iraqi government is “a sham” and that “Bush is their real leader.” Asked how the Bush campaign managed that, Gillespie admitted that “we told them if they didn’t vote Republican the chances of their ever seeing electric power were about zero. And, we offered each family a bag of groceries.” “Of course,” said Gillespie, “we’ve been diligent about checking the voter lists for convicted felons and war criminals, but there were none.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
