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“FIVE DOLLARS OFF AT POPEYE’S” IF THEY SWITCH TO GOP |
“Five Dollars Off Any Chicken Dinner – Classic Mild Or New Orleans Spicy.” By Harby Treesap DETROIT, July 23 – Anxious for any black support in the upcoming election, President George W. Bush told members of the Urban League that he and the Republican Party were willing to offer any black voter a coupon good for five dollars off at Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits. The caveat, of course, is that they promise to vote Bush-Cheney. “I know,” said Bush, “that some in the Republican Party believe that we can’t solve problems by throwing money at them. But I think African Americans deserve a little special something after all they’ve been through. And frankly, I don’t think you can get a better chicken dinner out than you can at Popeye’s. I know I can’t.” Bush told delegates that he realized many of them preferred KFC, “or even home-made.” But he urged them to try something new. “The same old tired formulas offered by the Democrats haven’t worked,” he said, “so why not go Popeye’s and vote for me?” He emphasized that this was a special one-time offer and that there were some conditions. “One,” he said, “you can’t buy soft drinks with it. It’s got to be chicken.” Two, recipients couldn’t be convicted felons who were no longer eligible to vote. And three, he warned, “if you take the dinner and don’t vote Bush-Cheney, we will find you, and I don’t need to remind you about the penalties for fraud.” “So,” he concluded, “who’s for Popeye’s?” League President Marc Morial told The Pox he was disappointed with Bush’s offer. “I was hoping he’d have some substantive proposals on job development for low-income Americans,” he said, “or maybe address the disenfranchisement of black voters. And I sure expected to hear about national security. Chicken was the last thing I thought I’d hear about. Maybe he really is crazy.”
 SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC |
GROVER NORQUIST FOUND DROWNED IN OWN BATHTUB
The body of Grover Norquist(shown alive in inset) WASHINGTON, July 24 – Police today discovered the body of famed anti-tax activist Grover Norquist. According to District police spokeswoman Angina Gartersnake, Norquist was “lying face-up in his bathtub, apparently drowned by person or persons unknown.” His death comes as a shock to the tightly-knit right-wing political community. “Damn, I was counting on Grover,” said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, “to complete the Republican revolution. This may set us back a few weeks.” Others saw his death as inevitable. “Norquist,” said one Democrat, who refused to give his name, “always claimed that he would shrink the federal government until it could be drowned in a bathtub. Apparently someone tried to head him off. I suspect it was a GS-12 or 13 – someone just a few years away from retirement.”
AT DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION  Ronald Reagan is listed as a speaker in the upcoming Democratic convention in Boston this week. Many observers believe this is an error, as Ronald Reagan spent nearly two weeks in early June getting and being dead. But DNC officials have assured the media that they “will have a Ronald Reagan on the podium at the Fleet Center.” If it is the same Ronald Reagan, it will mark the first time that a resurrected man spoke for the Democrats. In 2000, of course, Jesus Christ spoke before the Republican convention, but according to presidential historian Michael Beschloss, “Reagan is a much bigger draw than Jesus.”
STILL CLAIMING “THE VITAL CENTER” 
Joe Lieberman Briefs His Staff On Convention Dos and Don’ts Despite the fact that he didn’t win a single primary and that he doesn’t have any delegates, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) plans to campaign “loud and hard” for the Democratic presidential nomination in Boston. “All the other candidates,” he told The Pox, “are way, way left of the mainstream. Some, like John Edwards, are probably communists. I, and only I, hold the keys to the vital center. I know what stirs the voters, and it’s morals, lots and lots of morals. And when it comes to morals, no one has more than the Orthodox.” Admitting that he is a long shot, Lieberman said, “When the dealing goes on in the smoke-filled rooms, that’s when they’ll see that only Joe Lieberman can lead them out of the desert.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |
