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“UNTO THE LAST IRAQI” KERRY NOT SO SURE |
At The Moment, Live Iraqis Seem To Outnumber Dead Ones
By Bollivar Shagnasty WASHINGTON, August 6 – Faced with mounting casualties in Iraq, President George W. Bush vowed at a press conference today to “implant democracy in Iraq no matter what the cost. We will not be deterred by Iraqi deaths and we will continue, even if it kills every last one of them.” But Bush doubted it will come to that. When a reporter noted that 700 Iraqis were killed last week, Bush replied, “according to our statisticians, at that rate it would take 20 years before they were all dead. Maybe more.” Another reporter expressed some skepticism about the success of America’s mission, but Bush insisted, “that’s what sovereignty is. It’s the right to kill your own people to keep order.” “But that,” said the reporter, “is what Saddam Hussein was doing.” “This is different,” Bush explained patiently, “the new Iraqi government and coalition forces are killing Iraqi people for democracy, not dictatorship.” Later, Democratic presidential contender John Kerry was asked if he supported Bush’s determination to continue the occupation, even if all were killed. After considering the matter for 20 minutes, Kerry replied, “I don’t think we need to kill all of them. Maybe we could leave a few hundred or so.”
 
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DESIGNER ALERT COLORS  Declaring that “the American people are entitled to a free makeover,” Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge brought out a stunning new series of alert colors today: midnite blue, French lavender, apple blossom and nuthatch. “We brought together some of the best anti-terrorism and interior design experts,” said Ridge, “and we came up with four colors that will make America proud.” It has been known for months around Washington that Ridge and First Lady Laura Bush were “sick and tired” of red, orange and yellow. Mrs. Bush had been telling friends that British First Lady Cherie Blair had been making snide comments about the “dull and cliché” alert colors to her European friends. As a result, the President convened the Color Alert Commission early this year. After months of deliberation, Ridge finally OK’d the choices. “I think,” said Ridge, “that most of us won’t mind being subject to Apple Blossom Alert – would you?”
TO DISCOVER HE’S SECRETARY OF HOUSING & DEVELOPMENT
 Alphonso Jackson thought he was President of American Electric Power in Austin, Texas – until last week. On July 29, Jackson received a certified letter informing him that he had been U.S. Secretary of Housing and Development since last January, and that he had to appear in his Washington, DC office “immediately or be docked three weeks’ pay.” Jackson has never lived in Washington. Jackson told The Washington Pox, “It would have been nice if the President or somebody had told me when they appointed me.” According to the White House media office, though, the President, too, is unaware that Jackson is in his cabinet. “In fact,” said Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “the President didn’t even know there was such a position.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |