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IN SAIGON EMBASSY BASEMENT SAYS VETERANS GROUP |
“Authenticated” 1973 Photo of Kerry Supplied ByViet Nam Veterans For The Glorification of Atrocities By Konrad Adenoid CRAWFORD, TX, August 20 – The Viet Nam Veterans For The Glorification of Atrocities, a group which asserts that “it has no ties whatsoever to President What’s-His-Name down the road,” is continuing its attack on candidate John F. Kerry. “We just want to get the truth out on this lying turncoat,” said the group’s chairman Rear Captain Fullmer Bargewell (ret.). Bargewell noted that although the photo (above) showed Kerry outside on embassy grounds, “We know he spent most of his time hiding in the crawlspace under the embassy, with a huge stack of Turkish pornography and an endless supply of Laotian opium.” Another member of the group, Uberlieutenant Braxton Kilwell (very ret.) complained that while he and his comrades were out “severing the body parts of suspected Viet Cong, Kerry was feeding lies to the Jewish-controlled media and then receiving medals for it.” When pointed out that Kerry does indeed have service-related scars, Bargewell said, “he just bumped his head on an air conditioning duct in the basement of the embassy.” When asked for proof of Kerry’s dereliction, Kilwell said, “We just know it, and that’s good enough for us and for President What’s His Name, too.”
 JIMMY CARTER WINS |
GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY, TOO  Harvard-educated, creationist-reductionist, Republican gadabout Alan Keyes has entered the race to replace New Jersey governor James McGreevey. Although Keyes has already declared himself Republican senate candidate for Illinois, he said that serving in two states shouldn’t pose any problem. “After all," he said, "I'm a Harvard graduate. Besides, I’d get a lot of frequent flier miles if I was governor in one state and senator in another.” Keyes, who is a strict biblical literalist, believes that he would be what New Jersey voters deserve, “after electing a homosexual fornicator such as McGreevey.” He sees himself as a cleansing storm of righteousness who would “rip out the weeds in the Garden State.”
IS “RIDDLED WITH FOREIGNERS.”
House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) and Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced today that they had launched their own investigation into the United Nations. According to Hastert, “Our preliminary findings indicate that this so-called international body is, in reality, riddled with foreigners, many of whom insist on making their own decisions.”
DeLay, who has long complained about the power of the U.N., said that he had “private information” that many U.N. employees were “completely out of the control of the United States,” and that moreover, “many of them are not Christian.”
Hastert said that he has urged Congress to withhold any further financial contributions to the U.N. “until we can get it cleansed of non-Americans. They shouldn’t be there. Why else would it be in the United States?”
ANHEUSER-BUSCH TO “We just decided on a join venture with a Shiite marketing group who thought there was a niche for this product,” said Paul Wustlebrod from Anheuser-Busch headquarters in St. Louis. Some critics wondered if the increasingly devout Shiites would, in fact, be drinking beer of any kind, but Wustlebrod said that the company would be also marketing it in a non-alcoholic version called Sadr Day Night Fever.
© The Washington Pox 2003
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