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TO “REALLY FINISH OFF THE PLANET” |
“I Won’t Rest,” Said Bush Speaking Before A Photo Of The Proposed Clearcut Wilderness Area, “While There Are Still Trees Left Standing.” By Twinkie Nestlebaum NEW YORK, September 2 – A somber President George W. Bush told thousands of cheering delegates and the world that he needs another four-year term in order to “complete the destruction of the earth.” Bush spent five minutes of his acceptance speech describing the accomplishments of his administration in the environmental arena. He told of the millions of acres opened to logging, mining and drilling; the regulations gutted or ignored; the treaties flouted or disregarded; and how closely his own policies parallel those of industry. “But,” Bush warned, “as long as there is one square foot of this country – or any other country – that is off-limits to development, we still have work to do. I regard every tree left standing as a product left unbuilt, and that is an insult to every businessman and woman in this room.” Bush also announced that in his second term, the EPA would be renamed the Exploitation Production Agency, “a force for the benefit of mankind instead of what it is today – an impediment to wealth and progress.” Jubilant delegates responded to the Bush speech with chants of “Sell Central Park” and “No Tree Left Standing.”
 It Was Not Approved By John Kerry 
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“FINAL CHECKPOINT”  U.S. Capitol Police Chief Terence Gainer greeted visitors to the Capitol with a terse “Get Lost” this morning. Gainer told the media that he was tired of using his officers to check visitors and stop cars approaching the building. “I don’t want to have to be looking after some jerk from Idaho who can’t find the front door or a foreigner who might hate the U.S.,” he said, “so I just decided to close the whole damn thing.” The only exceptions are people who are elected “either by a vote or the Supreme Court” or “of course, business lobbyists.”
ESCALATOR SERVICE
Stung by accusations of intermittent and non-existent escalator service, Metro today unveiled a plan to offer guaranteed nonstop service on a special dedicated escalator. “We want to make sure that our best clients get the best service,” said Metro service manager Paulson W. Greesey. Those riders, he said, would be guaranteed a ride to the top or bottom of the escalator, “even if our employees have to carry them.”
When asked who these favored riders might be, Greesey replied, “You know, the people with suits, the ones who might actually take some action if something goes wrong.”
L’ANOREXIE, UN BISTRO SANS CUISINE Washington’s favorite five-star chef, Jean-Gros Freudienne, has forsaken his Alsatian-flavored, power-dinner hot-spot, Le Haut Price, for a new venture. Together with mover-shaker Aram Vulgarian, Freudienne decided to ride the lo-carb, high health wave all the way to the end by opening L’anorexie, Un Bistro Sans Cuisine at the new Ronald Reagan Center for Privatization. Said Freudienne in his fake French accent, “Eef Amaricains wont to eet so leetle, see whot dey teenk of dis – no calorie, no carbuheedrate, no nozzing.” Guests (they won’t be called diners) can get a bottle of water, but after that it’s all empty plates – five courses of them. As for the prices, “Zey remain ze same.”
© The Washington Pox 2003 |