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JEB BUSH STILL DOESN’T GET IT |
Governor Jeb Bush Prays ThatHurricanes Hit France Instead By Sylvania McCracken MIAMI, September 26 – Florida Governor Jeb Bush still maintains that the unprecedented barrage of hurricanes to hit his state is “a random act of nature.” According to recent Gallup and Kohut polls, a majority of Florida residents think his attitude is “out of touch,” “in denial” or even “delusional.” It is widely believed by practitioners of the black arts that this hurricane season is both a consequence of the 2000 election, and a warning of the upcoming presidential election. “The Bush brothers fixed the last election,” said Agwe Philippe of the South Florida Association of Practitioners of Voudou, Obeah and Santeria, “and the weather gods are angry. Very angry. They better not do it again. Many of us are offering sacrifices to that end.”  Altar of Florida Voudou Priest But it is a view held by many strict rationalists as well. According to meteorologist Norris Batten of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, “Our calculations show that almost without doubt, these hurricanes are not a random event – they’re punitive in nature.” When asked who or what they were supposed to punish, Batten asked, “Do I have to spell it out for you? OK, B-U-S-H.” As for the governor, he shrugged off suggestions that the hurricanes were somehow directed at him. “I could see,” said Bush, “if they were headed for some Blue State liberal or something, but my brother and I are on a mission from God. Nothing can touch us. Besides, we can always pray our way out of it.”
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FREE RE-HEADING SERVICE TO DECAPITATED CONTRACTORS 
Kidnappings and decapitations have hit the contractor community in Iraq heavily. So, the Halliburton Corporation has come up with a novel idea to stem the tide of fleeing personnel. ?We will offer a free service to any U.S. or foreign contractor who has been beheaded,? said Halliburton spokesman Thurman Spilkis. ?Our first guarantee: lose a head and we help you look for it. Second, if that fails, we guarantee a new head, expertly attached by our team of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons. In fact, you?ll probably look better than before.?
“GIVE BUSH WHAT FOR”  Democratic presidential candidate Senator John Kerry told The Pox that he and aides are working on a plan to “devastate” Bush in the upcoming televised debates. Kerry said that he’ll step up his rhetoric and “give Bush what for,” although he said that some on his staff suggested that he “really tell him off.” Prior to this week’s strategy session, Kerry said, “I had been planning to give Bush the silent treatment,” because “then he’d know that I don’t like him very much.”
TO UNBORN FELONS 
The Virginia legislature reaffirmed by a 82-16 vote to deny voting privileges to “anyone convicted of a felony, or maybe a misdemeanor.” But an amendment by T. Cletis Bungalow (R-Spavine Creek) (above) specifically exempted unborn felons unless “they’re darker than a paper bag.” Said Bungalow, “I have a special place in my heart for the unborn, and I’m willing to forgive them for their sins.”
© The Washington Pox 2003
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